tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41750367483022834432024-03-13T04:43:11.235-07:00In The Spirit Of Authenticity...Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02633161858502623378noreply@blogger.comBlogger105125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-51233820891799910322016-10-30T15:45:00.000-07:002016-10-30T15:45:55.084-07:0010/30/16: Almost November!Well, I'm happy to report I am now 31.5 weeks, we officially have less than two months to go, and this baby is kicking and squirming as much as ever, staying nice and secure in my womb, and while my contractions have continued to get stronger and more intense, he seems to be settled on staying in there for a good little while more. Also I do NOT have gestational diabetes--I was just dumb and ate a cinnamon roll before my first test last time without thinking so my numbers were high and they had to make sure. And lastly, I have now finished my second round of antibiotics to try and get rid of my Group B Strep that keeps showing up and making the contractions way more painful than they should be. So I would say I'm enjoying my third trimester more than my first and second (no nausea, and the contractions are less painful, more just pressure now)--and I'm loving getting to know this little guy's schedule and different movements. It feels like this special bond that only I get to have with him because no one else gets to feel all the nuance in the movement like I do right now. Of course...no one else has to be kept awake in the middle of the night because he's going crazy either...but honestly, I don't really mind it--it feels like a privilege to be let in to his world already before I've even met him.<br />
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So I said last time that I would try to write a blog that would actually catch people up on our lives OUTSIDE of pregnancy--and this is my attempt. It feels like this semester has been go-go-go and full of fun things, while also being really busy with school (isn't it always though?). Over the summer, Dave and I splurged on a nice new camera because we were getting tired of our old one having focus issues and wanted to get back into taking good photos before the baby arrives. We both have had spurts in our lives where we've been more and less invested in photography, but we both really love it. Dave absolutely loves that we have the camera because we've never shared a hobby in our whole marriage to the extent that we share this one, haha. We took a few classes over the summer up in Salt Lake to just get a refresher on the basics, and since then we've been playing around taking photos of people and babies and Remus to practice. It's been a blast and I'll post some of our best shots here because we're proud of what we're learning!! We've learned that I really like taking photos of newborns and babies, and basically anything close-up, while Dave enjoys the wide-angle shots of scenery and nature and basically the exact opposite, haha. But he's coming to like shooting people too with our new 50mm lens that we are completely obsessed with. Also, we've spent a TON of time learning Lightroom and working on our editing skills which has been a blast as well. It's so interesting to see our natural styles come out and see where we're different in our preferences. The differences are usually pretty symbolic of the patterns we've seen in the rest of our marriage too, which cracks us up every time, haha. So photography has become our go-to past time for our weekend nights when we're over school and too tired to be productive anymore--and we love it! (p.s. If anyone has a baby they'd let me photograph, please let me know! I'm trying to practice before baby boy comes!)<br />
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As far as school goes, Dave has made some huge breakthroughs on his dissertation this semester, which means he's close to proposing and hopefully defending sometime in the next calendar year--which would complete his program!!! He was also asked to help teach (which means teach) a class this next semester about Bayesian statistics (his dissertation stuff) for his program, which is pretty awesome since he loves Bayesian stats and teaching and he's great at both! We can't even imagine what life without school would be like, but it's feeling like at least somewhat of a possibility at some point in the nearish future now--which is more exciting than we can describe!!<br />
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I've also made some strides in my dissertation design, which means I'm getting closer to being able to start the official process of getting it approved, proposed, and defended eventually--but my timeline is much longer than Dave's, because it'll be qualitative and it's going to take forever. But I'm really really fascinated by it, so it makes it relatively easy to work on and once I get going I never want to stop.<br />
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Let's see...pregnancy and school...those are the main things in our lives. Oh, and our Sunbeams, of course :). A few weeks back Dave randomly said, "Should we do like an end of year party with our Sunbeams?" and I'm never one to turn down hosting a party, so I of course said yes and he suggested doing it before all the end-of-year holiday craziness and before this baby comes, so we decided on a Halloween Sugar-Cookie Decorating party. We did that this week and it was.......complete chaos. To say the least, haha. Just having seven 4-year olds in our little kitchen who couldn't really do anything by themselves meant that Dave and I didn't stop moving the whole night just to keep things manageable, but it was really fun to see them a little more relaxed than we see them every Sunday. And they were so polite and nice to each other and to us the whole night. We ended the cookies in about 30 minutes and let them play outside with Remus in the backyard for the last 20 minutes and they all just had a ball. Kids are Remus' favorite people, hands down. He just loves being around them and he's so gentle with them. It was really sweet to see some of the kids who struggle emotionally every week really quickly feel safe and bond with Remus. It makes me excited to see Remus with his own little brother coming soon!! So we count the Halloween Sunbeam party as a success because we have been told we are back at the top of the prayer list for one of our little guys--he used to thank Heavenly Father for "Brother and Sister Rackham" regularly, but apparently, we'd slipped in position, and now we're back to being at the beginning of his prayers, haha! And the kids were the most well-behaved I've ever seen them in primary today and just seemed relaxed and comfortable, so I think it was really fun for them and they enjoyed hanging out outside of church together.<br />
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I also had an MFT baby shower a few weeks back that my really good friend threw for me. It was just the girls from my cohorts (PhD and Masters) and one of my professors (female, haha) and I felt so loved and supported, it was so sweet of them to do it for me. I sort of had a mini panic-attack as I was opening the gifts because all of a sudden it hit me really hard that we were going to be having a real live baby boy and for some reason I started freaking out about that, haha. But it was sort of like a good freak out. Like...excitement? or something? Who knows? I have another shower this weekend that one of my best friends in the ward is throwing for me too and I'm excited about it--if only to get some adult interaction with these women--it's been forever since we're in primary every week! It's really been amazing to see how generous people have already been with us, and we are so grateful to everyone who's sent gifts and helped us prep for the baby already. Every little bit takes away some of the financial stress of of it all and makes us feel so loved and supported.<br />
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The only other thing I can think of is I've been getting trained in EMDR--Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing--which is a therapeutic technique/model for helping clients heal their trauma. I'm totally in love with Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and that's for sure my primary model of doing therapy, but I wanted to be able to do EMDR with my clients who get stuck due to past traumas and severe reactivity around them. I did some EMDR myself with my therapist about a year ago and it's effects are pretty incredible (and quick!)--also the research on it is really really good. I finish my training in December so I'll be fully able to do it with anyone at that point! It's been fun to start practicing it with some of my clients and learn how to integrate it into my couples model when it's so focused on the individual healing. I feel really blessed and lucky to live so close to Salt Lake where all these trainings are offered--and usually discounted for students. I feel like I've been able to improve exponentially as a clinician over the last year and a half or so just because of the networks of people mentoring and training me here and helping me continue to push myself.<br />
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Okay! I think that hit the main points! Overall, life is really really good right now, and we can't wait for this baby to make his appearance--once we get the nursery ready and feel just a little more prepped with the right gear. As always, thanks for reading! Especially if you got to the end!<br />
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<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04056468102786027641noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-66016622749803934782016-10-12T15:24:00.000-07:002016-10-12T15:24:07.507-07:0010/12/16: Third Trimester Update!We made it! Last Thursday marked the official start of our third trimester with this pregnancy (28 weeks). It feels like time is flying and at the same time 3 months seems like a looooong time to have to wait to meet this little guy...oh yeah, it's a boy! We never really got around to doing an official announcement for some reason on Facebook about the sex, but we found out around week 14 or something ridiculously early like that so we've known for a while now and we couldn't be more excited :). Dave was convinced it would be a girl, but I had a feeling it was going to be a boy. I'm surrounded by boys in this house--Dave, Remus, and even though we call Pepper a girl, we're pretty sure she's actually a boy, hahaha. So we'll add this little munchkin and it'll just be me to represent the female gender in the house! So different from how I grew up--5 girls, 1 boy! But I was surprised to feel pure excitement and love when we got the ultrasound telling us the sex. I worried I might feel a tiny bit disappointed if it was a boy, but I didn't at all! Maybe because I had mentally prepared for that. Now I only get a little sad when I see baby girls with their darling headbands and bows...but boys have some pretty darling outfits too, so I'm not too worried :)<br />
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I'm feeling really really grateful to be past 28 weeks and into the third trimester. I never really got that "second trimester boost" that some moms talk about with pregnancy where the second trimester just gives them energy and they don't feel sick and they feel like they're glowing. For me it was filled with lots of painful and intense contractions, a bladder infection, severe back pain (the combination of both, I think), and residual sporadic nausea and vomiting. The third trimester has already felt a little better for me because I FINALLY got a doctor to listen to me about the contractions (the fact that they aren't normal, I mean) so they tested me for infections and once I took antibiotics, they became significantly less painful, which has been such a relief.<br />
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I still contract every day sometimes up to 10 times in an hour and I have to stop and breathe through them or do my relaxation techniques to manage the pressure and discomfort, and they're getting more intense as the weeks go on, but at least now I know what's going on so there's less emotional anxiety around it. I have what they call an irritable uterus, haha. Yes, you read that right--an <i>irritable uterus</i>. Our birth class instructor thinks I should reframe it in my mind to "ambitious" or "eager" uterus just so I can enjoy them instead of dreading them, but I don't know, "irritable" seems to capture the sensation best. It just feels like my uterus is mad at me so it's going to put me through labor pains for 7 months instead of just 1. During the second trimester I was anxious all the time about going into premature labor because everything online said that if I was contracting more than 4 times in an hour (please...more like, when have I NOT contracted 4 times in an hour), if it was causing back pain, and if it was regular and didn't go away with lying down it was probably changing my cervix. So that's the difference between an irritable uterus and normal Braxton-Hicks, apparently. The irritable uterus contractions feel a LOT like active labor, and you can't do anything to slow them down really, but they don't affect your cervix (thank goodness), whereas Braxton-Hicks are usually a different, slightly more comfortable sensation than active labor contractions, and they'll generally calm down if you change positions, while still not affecting your cervix.<br />
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We still check my cervix and everything at every appt. just to be sure it's closed and not headed for labor and we've done the test to be sure my membranes are still in-tact a few times, which has helped my anxiety disappear almost completely, but every once in a while when I have a night where I'm waking up every hour or so with strong contractions I get nervous again that I could be going into labor. But I never do, I just contract and contract and contract, so at this point, I guess we'll just wait until I feel the urge to push or my water breaks before we head to the hospital! Apparently a lot of women with irritable uterus' accidentally don't make it to the hospital just because they can't tell the difference between their contractions and it's not until they're basically pushing that they realize they've been actively laboring in the last day or so. I'm hoping that's not the case for me, but I could see how that could happen really easily...luckily our hospital is literally 5 minutes away if something like that were to happen. And also luckily, anyone who knows me knows I'm incredibly hyperaware of any and all new symptoms (understatement of the century) so I really doubt I'll miss the signs of active labor with my first baby...<br />
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I have been really grateful for the hypnobirthing prep we've been doing, though, because, I've needed to use the meditations and relaxations to get through these contractions (sorry..."expansion waves"...) already and it's helped me understand physiologically what's going on inside of me a lot better, which always lowers my anxiety. We finished our last class last night and Dave and I are both feeling really excited to try an unmedicated birth at the hospital. I've loved how much the class involved the birth partners and worked on what you can do as a couple to cope with the long labor process together and the inevitable bumps in the road. We found an amazing instructor who is very Type A personality, very pro modern medicine, and all about empowerment in the birth process rather than having to birth a certain way or avoiding certain interventions. So we've left feeling that it would be awesome if we could do it totally unmedicated, and if we decide that that's not the right thing for me in the moment, then that's awesome I have other pain relief options I can choose to use, but I do know that unmedicated birthers tend to recover significantly faster and that's important to me as school starts about a week after this little guy is supposed to make his arrival...so wish us luck please!<br />
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I think the only other thing of note about the pregnancy is that I failed my first gestational diabetes test so I had to do the 3-hour fasting one at the office yesterday and should get my results tomorrow. I'm praying I don't have it and the first test was just messed up because I had eaten something sugary beforehand (my bad...won't do that next time). But honestly, if I do have it, that would probably be the best thing to ever happen to this baby because I'd be forced to cut back on indulging my candy cravings and start eating mostly vegetables, protein, and some fruit. That would only do good things for both of us I'm sure, I just would rather not feel forced into that diet if I didn't have to be.<br />
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Sorry this was just all details on the pregnancy--most of this is just for me so I remember what's happening right now, but if you got to the end, congratulations, thanks for reading! Hopefully I'll write another post soon about our actual lives outside of pregnancy since there's been a lot going on there too! But for now...here's a bump picture to enjoy :)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">28 weeks!</td></tr>
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<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04056468102786027641noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-61422926794589309432016-07-12T15:57:00.004-07:002016-07-12T15:58:41.887-07:007/12/16: Pregnancy Details...Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. Winter semester got a little crazy, and then I got pregnant, but I didn't know that was what was happening at first, I just knew I felt nauseous and exhausted all the time. Once we found out (relatively quickly, working with a fertility doctor) the nausea was full-blown and I was basically couch-ridden for a month there in the first trimester. Not sure why it was so intense, but all I know is I was immensely grateful it was Spring semester and I could take the time I needed to just rest and recover every day.<br />
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I keep trying to think about what else to write about first, but I'm struggling because it just feels like being pregnant is dominating our lives and thoughts right now. So I guess I'll just stick with the pregnancy strain for now until something else comes up. And I'm sorry I'm not writing about how the recent news events are impacting me. It just feels a little overwhelming to try to dedicate a post to articulating all the feelings right now, but that's definitely never far from my mind right now either.<br />
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So...pregnancy. Since I haven't blogged since we found out, I wanted to document how it's been for us. It's been wildly different from the miscarriage last year, in a great way, yet I've been surprised how quickly complaints fall out of my mouth about the physical effects of pregnancy on my body even in the aftermath of the pain of infertility struggles. I have so many friends struggling with fertility and who would give anything to feel as sick as I did, so I try not to complain publicly at the very least, but Dave has definitely gotten earfuls about the seemingly endless vomiting, the peeing every 5 seconds, and the general fatigue that's making it difficult to function. As frustrating as these symptoms have been, though, I haven't stopped feeling overwhelmingly grateful and humbled for the opportunity to grow and eventually raise a healthy baby with Dave.<br />
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Last year when we saw the positive pregnancy test, I was filled with fear and trepidation immediately. I was afraid of a miscarriage happening, yes, but mostly I was overwhelmed by the idea of becoming a mom. I didn't feel ready at all to be raising a little one, and I didn't feel like I had worked through enough of my emotional stuff to not pass on some pretty intensely unhealthy patterns I had developed (Remember, I was finishing a master's program that had taken it upon itself to point out to me all of my flaws and weaknesses). I felt like I was doomed to fail as a parent and that I would inevitably raise a broken child who would struggle to succeed in life. Sounds a little dramatic, I know, but when I finally processed what the negative feelings surrounding the pregnancy were about, those were the fears that surfaced.<br />
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I don't know when that all shifted exactly, but over last year I've been able to work through the fears by honing in on who I really want to be, how I want to treat people, what's important to me and what's not, and learning how to truly unconditionally love and be loved. I feel like I'm in such a different place in my life than I was a year ago. I feel centered, strong, capable, kind, compassionate, empathetic, and loving. I feel like it's okay that I'll make mistakes parenting and I'll accidentally hurt my children sometimes--because I know how to say sorry, I know how to repair a relationship, and I know how to acknowledge that I'm not perfect and address it when I need to. Not that any of this is coming easily to me yet, but I have a really amazing husband encouraging me along the way and helping me recenter when I feel like I'm losing those pieces of myself. I've surrounded myself with friends who know what we call "Core Erin" and love her and support her when she chooses the harder right. And I feel like I've really got some amazing people who love me and want me to succeed. That brings a whole new level of confidence about this whole mothering thing I've never felt before.<br />
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So this time, when we saw the positive pregnancy test, I felt a little bit of fear that I might be miscarrying because I was spotting like last time, but as soon as we confirmed that things were normal and healthy, I didn't feel any more fear--just excitement and love for our little bean!! It's been entirely different this time around and I honestly can NOT wait to meet this little babe in December. I wish it was December right now (and not just because I'd be one semester closer to graduating...)!! I never thought I'd be this unabashedly excited without the nerves when I was pregnant, but I really feel like, we can do this, and if it's too hard, we'll find help, and we'll survive.<br />
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Now, that's how I'm feeling emotionally. Logically, on the other hand, I definitely struggle when I think about the logistics of birthing a child and returning to school about a week later full swing with the hardest semester of my program yet. It's a little scary trying to predict how much my arms will be able to take of holding, nursing, bathing, rocking, and loving a baby, when right now just cutting out pictures for our Sunbeam lessons on Saturday nights have me icing my arms and wrists every Sunday...But we're trying to figure out carriers and find the lightest version of everything possible to help make the transition as easy as possible on my arms. And we know that during school we just might need some outside help because physically I may not be able to do it all. Also, it's always an option to delay a semester of my program, but I really would rather not do that if I can help it. Any delay of graduation makes it all the more likely that graduation will never happen, haha. I'm not the first, and I won't be the last MFT PhD student to have a baby during school, so I know it can be done, and I have some great friends helping me along the way already with it all.<br />
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So overall, I'm almost at week 16, the second trimester has been significantly better than the first, but I still have some random rough days, and I'm just getting more and more excited about meeting this little one!!<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-msGXFef6bz0/V4V1kol_jnI/AAAAAAAAA48/l6kzChpVRV4OW2iRFAp8suycC7EncTFmwCK4B/s1600/IMG_3935.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-msGXFef6bz0/V4V1kol_jnI/AAAAAAAAA48/l6kzChpVRV4OW2iRFAp8suycC7EncTFmwCK4B/s400/IMG_3935.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">10, 14, and 15 weeks! And I LOVE maternity clothes already. :) </td></tr>
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Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04056468102786027641noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-32882026281760928862016-03-20T19:37:00.002-07:002016-03-20T19:37:19.949-07:003/20/16: And I Thought I Loved You Then...<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: normal;">"They...They wh--*sob* wh-what...? No...no...oh...no..." These were the words that escaped Dave's lips two Sunday mornings ago almost involuntarily in between sobs as he collapsed onto the side of our bed--his face wet with immediate tears and contorted in agony and grief. His Dad had just called to give him the news that his 27-year-old brother, Bryan, had been found by his faithful home teacher and bishop dead in his apartment that morning and that was all we knew. I was in the middle of waking Remus up for the morning at the time and mentally running through my 3<sup>rd</sup> hour combined lesson for the day on marriage and pornography for the ward. In a matter of seconds, nothing else existed for me but my husband’s tortured face and his heaving sobs. As soon as I ran to physically support him, he relayed his dad’s message to me and my heart stopped for a few terrifying seconds. I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t know what to do, but I felt my hands instinctively reach for Dave’s and pull him into the strongest embrace I could muster. When the smothering was too much (after just 30 seconds or so), Dave began to pace—fervently. He walked back and forth from the tissue box on my nightstand to Remus, to his phone, looking expectantly at it as if if he looked hard enough, his dad would call back to tell us this was all a horrible mistake and his brother was actually alive and well and we could go back to our happy Sunday without a second thought about our mortality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: normal;">But the call never came. I propped myself up against the wall of our bedroom, shaking slightly, aware of silent tears streaming down my cheeks, mindlessly petting Remus, to keep him occupied long enough so he wouldn’t have an accident, as Dave kept pacing the room. Painful thought after painful thought kept intruding and we both spoke them aloud as they came, to no one in particular. “Oh Lysa...She’s alone in Italy, this is going to destroy her.” “That poor home teacher and Bishop…I can’t even imagine.” “Your poor parents…they’ll have to call everyone one by one and relive this conversation so many times today…” “Stasi…Oh Stasi…I don’t even want to think about how she’s feeling.” “Chris is alone in Jersey right now. He doesn’t have anyone to process this with.” And on and on, until we realized it was 8:55 and we needed to decide if we were going to church or not. We decided it wasn’t a good idea to try to handle sunbeams and a lesson about emotional regulation while experiencing major shock and grief with no time to process anything, so while Dave began working on a way to get in touch with Lysa’s mission president for his parents, I began making the calls to let the bishopric and primary presidency know what was happening and we spent the rest of the Sunday just holding each other, crying, and letting ourselves do whatever we needed to do to get through this at home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: normal;">Two weeks later we’ve had time to begin to process and grieve and we feel more stable about the situation, but it wouldn’t be honest to say we’re not still in shock and disbelief. We held the memorial services this weekend in Rigby, Idaho and we were surrounded by family and friends who loved Bryan and love the Rackhams. I sang a song titled “My Little Child”, which was essentially the soundtrack to Merrilie and David’s journey to adopting Stasi and Bryan from Russia so many years ago. It was one of the most difficult performances I’ve ever given, because looking over to find Dave’s father trying with all his might to hold back sobs almost broke my heart right then and there, but with the help of the Spirit, and by some miracle, I actually got all the words out without tears and almost did the song justice for Merrilie. Dave spoke not too long after I sang and he was the picture of emotional vulnerability as he taught about Christ’s beautiful example of mourning with those that mourn <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">how</i> they need to be mourned with through the story of his teaching Martha, and weeping with Mary when their brother Lazarus had passed. It was a beautiful and inspired talk that brought peace (and tears) to us all, I think. I was so proud of him as I watched him proclaim his love for the Savior and his faith in the Savior’s love for Bryan and each of us while standing next to his brother’s earthly remains. What strength and courage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: normal;">No father or mother should ever have to bury their son. No brother or sister should ever have to bury their brother at such a young age. But bury him we did yesterday, and I couldn’t help but reflect on how this all has affected me as an in-law of a few years to the family. I was lucky in that my relationship with Bryan was uncomplicated, sweet, and simple. My experiences with him have always been pleasant and he has always been very complimentary and kind to me ever since I joined the family. He struggled with addictions of many kinds, mental health issues, and past traumas from his childhood in Russia that would affect even the healthiest of individuals. I never knew him pre-drugs and alcohol, but what I knew of Bryan was endearing, inspiring, and joyful. The rest of the family was not so lucky. They were with Bryan through the good, the bad, and the ugly of his integration into the family at age 12. There was trauma that Bryan inevitably brought into the family because how could he not? As such, their relationships are a blend of incredibly joyful memories and horribly painful ones, and this makes the grieving process infinitely more difficult, I’m sure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: normal;">Yesterday, I missed Bryan, and I was grieving that he was no longer with us, but even more difficult for me was watching my husband shovel a scoop of dirt gently into his brother’s grave as his shoulders heaved with sobs and he looked up to the sky with a face that seemed to plead, “Why?”. More difficult than realizing that I would never see Bryan again was hearing his brothers speculate about what more they could have done and wonder if they had put more effort into the relationship how things would have been different. Watching Dave’s parents wrestle between the pain of losing their son and the relief that his physical suffering had come to an end here on this earth was equal parts heart-breaking and tender.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: normal;">I titled this post, “And I Thought I Loved You Then…” because I thought I knew what loving Dave was after almost 4 years of marriage, but these last two weeks have taught me that I have more capacity to shoulder my husband’s pain than I ever thought was possible. His contorted face from that first phone call has haunted me every day for two weeks now and it visited us in person again yesterday at the burial, and I couldn’t help but want to run to him and completely take this burden from him. Of course, I could only hold him while we cried together, but there was something comforting in just that small gesture for both of us, even if it didn’t relieve the pain completely. I imagine this is how the Savior feels towards me when I’m struggling to find peace, too—he would rush to me and take the pain away if it would help, but we know that part of this life is to “learn, grow, and come to be”, as my song yesterday said. So as painful as the last few weeks have been for us, I’m grateful I’ve had the opportunity to love Dave as I’ve never loved before, and to feel his (and his family’s) pain more intimately than I thought was possible, because it has reassured me that I love this man I call my husband more than anyone in the world, and reminded me that I will do <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anything</i> I can to ease his pain. And in knowing how I felt towards <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">him</i> this weekend, I got a brief glimpse of what he feels for me when <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’m</i> in pain (physical or emotional), and I think I got a sliver of the Savior’s unconditional love for me and his perfect empathy for my pain and these are all wonderful things to be feeling as life moves forward.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: normal;">Rest in peace, Bryan Sergei Rackham, you were so loved and will be sorely missed. <3</span></div>
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Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04056468102786027641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-51951639675078293762016-02-10T10:49:00.002-08:002016-02-10T10:50:19.746-08:002/10/16: All I Needed Was a Puppy This Whole Time!I don't actually have anything of importance to say today, but I'm sitting here in the Taylor Building with a random hour in between classes and by some miracle I've already done my homework for my next class. I wish I could just check out and waste time, but for some reason I've been feeling anxious all week, so my body won't slow down long enough to relax, so I figured I could write instead. Active leisure, right? <br />
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I went back and read the post from a month ago and realized that my health was in a pretty bad place, so I figured I'd briefly update you all. I finally weaned off of my Gabapentin completely and I feel like I have about 3x more energy than I've had in the last two years. That stuff just DRAINS you! They give it to people to help them sleep, so it makes sense, but I had no idea how badly it was affecting me! So my fatigue is significantly better, and my night sleep has leveled out so I'm doing really well in terms of daily energy now which helps make everything easier, doesn't it? My pelvic pain is still gone for the most part except when I ovulate or if I eat a large amount of something sugary or full of dairy. This is just the most amazing thing. I went to a conference that was 8-5 for 5 days straight last week and I had NO pelvic pain on any of the days. 5 Full days of sitting with no pain?! I can't remember how long it's been since that has happened. So I'm still incredibly grateful for the relief and I'll take the random bad pain days because it's so much more manageable than the constant chronic ache I'm used to :) My arms and joints still get stiff and ache and burn once in a while, but they're not terrible. I haven't used ice packs in a few weeks, and I barely even take Tylenol or Ibuprofen to manage it. The exception is if I've been particularly active with Remus or picked him up a lot--then my arms are usually killing me. But generally speaking, I'm doing way better than I have in a long time. <br />
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I think Remus is playing a serious role in my improved health because I noticed a huge anti-anxiety effect when we brought him home, and that just downregulates all the tension in your body, which helps with inflammation, which helps with pain. So even though I may be more active right now than normal, the times when he's able to cuddle a little bit with me provide a huge pain and stress relief which I think balances out the increased activity. Of course, his cuddling abilities are still in the very early stages of development because he's teething like crazy (poor guy!) and he loves to run, chase, play, and train. He gets bored just sitting on our laps chewing something. He always wants to be working for food or treats, haha. But he's getting the hang of the whole "calm" thing and hopefully he'll start to even enjoy it as he gets a little older. He's still the best puppy ever and he's growing! He was 6 lbs when we brought him home and he's already 10.5 lbs now!! We still take about 50 pictures a day and have to exercise some serious restraint to not post them all on social media, but we know we have to calm down eventually, so we're trying to hold back :) He really likes Pepper and always seems to want to play with her. She's a little more scared of him now that he isn't as shy around her, but they're getting along alright so far as long as one of us is there managing the interaction. I don't know that he'll ever be totally trustworthy around her since he likes to chase, and she just moves really fast every time she flies, but I'm happy to see the budding friendship develop :)<br />
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Dave and I are still both going strong in school and work. We can't wait for the three-day weekend coming up to spend some time rejuvenating and resting up for the rest of the semester. Time seems to be flying already this year and we've been blissfully happy with Remus to come home to every day <3. Also...we're kind of obsessed with the show Madam Secretary right now (First season's on Netflix)--SO good. <br />
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Here's some pics of my trip to Seattle, WA for my conference. Thanks to Stella from my master's cohort for hosting me for the week!!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Medina Park in Bellevue, WA!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-F1QeoMtWdf0/VruEjRyB6AI/AAAAAAAAAto/T5rqLX3l0a8/s1600/2016-02-04%2B08.10.45.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-F1QeoMtWdf0/VruEjRyB6AI/AAAAAAAAAto/T5rqLX3l0a8/s400/2016-02-04%2B08.10.45.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was taken while driving, so forgive the horrible quality,<br />but the Seattle skyline!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KU-kqq48j18/VruEqPur9jI/AAAAAAAAAts/k3ARomsX88k/s1600/2016-02-05%2B07.57.06.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KU-kqq48j18/VruEqPur9jI/AAAAAAAAAts/k3ARomsX88k/s400/2016-02-05%2B07.57.06.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not the best picture, but I seriously felt like I was camping<br />the whole time I was in Washington, it was so <br />green and gorgeous everywhere!!</td></tr>
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<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04056468102786027641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-61512804555371378732016-02-05T16:33:00.001-08:002016-02-05T16:33:21.370-08:002/5/16: Remus! If any of you follow me on Instagram you are well aware of our newest family member--Remus, the most adorable little mini-Australian Shepherd you've ever seen :) I'm not a dog person, I've never been a dog person, not even slightly. And I'm allergic. So it's a little surprising that we ended up with a puppy...but here's how and why it happened:<br />
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A few weeks ago my brother and sister rescued a beautiful dog named Maeby in New York and the day they sent us a picture of her I was surprised at how strong my longing to have my own dog was! I think I even texted my sister, "I'm jealous you're having all the new dog-mom feelings!". I've been slowly converting to dogs ever since one of our favorite couples from my program, Austin and Bri, introduced us to their beautiful mini-Australian Shepherd, Nova, last summer right before they left us for Kansas. She was the sweetest, smartest little puppy I'd ever seen and was the first time I'd ever really understood the allure of a dog. Ever since they moved, Dave and I have kept loose tabs on the breeders around here who breed the mini-Aussies and then we rented a puppy early in January because I was feeling dog-hungry (is that a thing?). <br />
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I'd never seen Dave so happy as the night we rented the puppy, haha. It seemed like every anxiety, stress, and worry disappeared when he was playing with the pup. It almost broke my heart when we had to say goodnight and give her back and I was pretty sad that I had a headache from being with her all night because we'd rented her partially to see how bad my physical response was from my allergy. <br />
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We woke up the next morning (Saturday) and Dave casually said, "I was thinking we could maybe go see one of the breeders around here to just ask some questions and see if you have a bad allergy response to the Australian Shepherds too." I pretty immediately dismissed him with a laugh and said, "That's just going to make you depressed because it's going to remind you what you can't have..." But then he showed me a picture of this little guy who was already 11 weeks old and I couldn't resist.<br />
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We hurried and called the breeder to ask if we could just come up and meet him and ask some questions and she let us come within the hour. I had absolutely no intention of actually going home with him because I knew it was a terrible life decision to get a puppy we'd need to housetrain while we were both in school and working, as well as with my health being subpar--I didn't need another potential allergen in the house. <br />
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But....then I held him.<br />
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And you guys...it was love at first sight. I seriously felt like I was high after holding him. Dave described it as watching me "melt". I instantly loved him and didn't want to let him go. But Dave knew that I wasn't totally ready to commit to getting a puppy and didn't want me to make a decision "under the influence" (haha), so he told her we'd go home and talk it over and get back to her with our answer. <br />
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I was still pretty torn after we went and saw him for the above reasons, but I felt like I was on cloud nine and my resolve was getting weaker and weaker. Dave was really good about not pushing me because he wanted to make sure I was 100% on board by myself, but I could tell he wanted to bring him home obviously, and I eventually decided to go with my gut feeling--which was that a puppy would be the perfect for us right now. So we called her back and went to pick him up later that day!<br />
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It's no secret that life has been difficult for us lately with all of my pain, and even though I've found some relief from my pelvic pain recently (MIRACLE!), I've still got a lot of muscle and joint pain that affects me emotionally when I can't do everything I need to for school and life. Remus has been a little ray of sunshine in our life right now. I don't know if it's just because I'm too busy being worried about him peeing on the carpet or if it's major the oxytocin release, but I definitely don't notice my pain as much when I'm with him. I am tired and it's a little exhausting being so engaged in training him and attaching to him, but the joy we're feeling FAR outweighs the work we're putting in to the relationship :)<br />
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I'll stop writing now because I really should pay attention to this conference I'm at and because pictures are just so much better, right?! Enjoy our first few weeks with Remus!!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dzWNyYFQnZs/VrU3Irpp_LI/AAAAAAAAAsE/B9F_TeN_TIc/s1600/2016-01-31%2B15.59.33.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dzWNyYFQnZs/VrU3Irpp_LI/AAAAAAAAAsE/B9F_TeN_TIc/s400/2016-01-31%2B15.59.33.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He's not a huge licker, which is great because if we're being honest, <br />I think it's gross, but this one was a very little and sweet kiss :)</td></tr>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MwBDH6OJYEA/VrU3k5APpOI/AAAAAAAAAsM/mnEGBc1SlVc/s1600/2016-01-17%2B08.41.40.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MwBDH6OJYEA/VrU3k5APpOI/AAAAAAAAAsM/mnEGBc1SlVc/s400/2016-01-17%2B08.41.40.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He loves sleeping in his crate at the foot of our bed, <br />and I love his calm morning personality.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--gIi7OT8oPg/VrU3zXK99sI/AAAAAAAAAsU/h-xvdSgvr9A/s1600/2016-01-18%2B11.12.27.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--gIi7OT8oPg/VrU3zXK99sI/AAAAAAAAAsU/h-xvdSgvr9A/s400/2016-01-18%2B11.12.27.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Can't help but squeeze him!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U5TLkN1TIFY/VrU37GCwkFI/AAAAAAAAAsY/9xW1odJ33nU/s1600/2016-01-19%2B13.32.54.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U5TLkN1TIFY/VrU37GCwkFI/AAAAAAAAAsY/9xW1odJ33nU/s400/2016-01-19%2B13.32.54.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm fooling myself if I think I can focus with him on my<br /> lap...even with this many toys to distract him.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-u-FcDbBXcwQ/VrU4B5jKHyI/AAAAAAAAAsc/OGvJAr8H5KA/s1600/2016-01-20%2B14.46.56.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-u-FcDbBXcwQ/VrU4B5jKHyI/AAAAAAAAAsc/OGvJAr8H5KA/s400/2016-01-20%2B14.46.56.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love his little baseball!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4lNdlu6_2Jk/VrU4TcFHoKI/AAAAAAAAAsg/hxJNfDALldY/s1600/2016-01-22%2B11.56.11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4lNdlu6_2Jk/VrU4TcFHoKI/AAAAAAAAAsg/hxJNfDALldY/s400/2016-01-22%2B11.56.11.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of the first days we had him I literally sat in the garage for 15 minutes<br /> and took pictures of him sleeping in the car <br />because I didn't want to wake him up</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-62gM6i4w_YA/VrU4bN4XKuI/AAAAAAAAAsk/UlfBYsKorjM/s1600/2016-01-24%2B17.38.09.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-62gM6i4w_YA/VrU4bN4XKuI/AAAAAAAAAsk/UlfBYsKorjM/s400/2016-01-24%2B17.38.09.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We go for walks and he's getting so good at <br />walking on a loose leash!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ecc6xS2-TAA/VrU4marGfYI/AAAAAAAAAso/hZb8iVMmflw/s1600/2016-02-01%2B09.16.00.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ecc6xS2-TAA/VrU4marGfYI/AAAAAAAAAso/hZb8iVMmflw/s400/2016-02-01%2B09.16.00.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I've been grateful for getting out by the beautiful <br />river behind our neighborhood with him so much.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hTto3WVwKRw/VrU4rJAXvvI/AAAAAAAAAss/n8KUGLxj_B8/s1600/2016-02-01%2B12.00.03.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hTto3WVwKRw/VrU4rJAXvvI/AAAAAAAAAss/n8KUGLxj_B8/s400/2016-02-01%2B12.00.03.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Relaxed in the car!</td></tr>
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Basically, we love him...a lot, and we feel blessed to have him in our family <3 </div>
<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04056468102786027641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-89032626669073783152016-01-10T13:56:00.000-08:002016-01-10T13:56:03.194-08:001/10/16: There is So Much...Since it's been a few months since I last updated the world on the Rackham happenings, this blog will probably be chock full of surface-skimming summaries about all the areas of our life. Sorry! I wish I had energy and time to go more in depth with everything, but there is too much, so I will sum up :)<br />
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<b>Dave-</b><br />
He's still loving his job at GoReact. And our marriage is loving his job at GoReact ;). It is SO fantastic that when he's home he's done for the day with work and can focus on school or relax without having to be constantly connected to his email. He's also making serious headway on his dissertation and it's really exciting, but super complicated and basically impossible to understand. Like really, when I can't sleep I ask him to tell me about his dissertation and I'm OUT. Sorry Dave 0:) So he's still doing school and making progress towards graduation requirements. We're looking forward to when he's done with classes so he has more time to focus on writing his dissertation. Actually we're just looking forward to when he doesn't have to be working and in school at the same time. That'll be the day, right? <br />
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He also got released today from the Young Single Adult ward bishopric, which is a big deal because it means now we are going to be back attending church in our Provo homeward!! We're both pretty happy because it just means is one less thing on Dave's plate as far as time requirements. He gets a whole night of the week back and his Sundays are much less busy--depending on his calling in our homeward, of course. But we volunteered to be teachers in the primary and the primary is basically always desperate for teachers, so I have a feeling we'll end up there. We're sad to leave the YSA's and we're not really sure if we contributed enough while we were there, but I know Dave had some really spiritual experiences with some of the kids, and I know I was able to teach some important lessons and at least help reduce the shame and self-criticizing in the ward, along with inspiring some kids to go to therapy (yay!). <br />
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I wish I could say Dave gets out pretty regularly to fish and rejuvenate, but that's just not true. I've been pretty sick lately, so Dave has taken on basically all of the household duties--laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, errands, etc. So every Saturday he always has a long list of to-do's to catch up from the week. It's pretty sad and I wish there was a better system or that I could help more, but at least we don't have kids thrown into the mix right now. I'm grateful we're not having to manage that just yet. <br />
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So I think that covers Dave's updates for now. He's just the greatest husband ever, and I feel lucky every day to have someone so kind and selfless by my side through all of this craziness that is my health. <br />
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<b>Erin-</b><br />
My health pretty much dominates my life (surprise surprise...), but I'll get to that last or maybe in a different post since there's so much. So...things other than my health issues...<br />
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I passed my first semester of my PhD program!! In all my 7 years here at BYU, I don't know if I've ever legitimately had a semester that I was worried about failing, but this Fall I honestly didn't know if I was going to pass my classes. I count it as one of the many miracles in my life that I passed Structural Equation Modeling and don't have to retake that class, haha. But seriously. In the last week of the semester Dave was researching for me and organizing my articles and helping me with my references list while I was seeing clients so I could write my two final papers. It was a HUGE push and I couldn't have done it without Dave's edits and help writing. Thank goodness I married someone well-versed in psychology and mental health, not to mention APA writing. #phdlife? So overall, super surprised and grateful I passed, woo! Now onto Winter...<br />
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I'm still seeing clients one night a week at the Provo Center for Couples and Families and I absolutely love it. They pay me really well and they have systemic perspectives and are well-trained so I trust my supervisors. It feels very much like a private practice because I'm totally in control of my clients and schedule and stuff. It's been neat to see I'm getting referrals from previous and current clients and I've had enough clients contact me to have a waitlist now! I also see clients at the BYU clinic, but on the advice of multiple professors, I'm dropping my caseload there down to just 2 a week so that I can reserve my energy and use it where I need it most (since I don't get paid there).<br />
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Other than that, my life basically revolves around my <b>health</b>. So here goes, only read on if you want to know the details of what we've tried over the last few months:<br />
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<i>*tldr: I have crazy joint pain and inflammation, and nobody knows why, but the pelvic pain is feeling better after getting rid of surprise parasites we found.* </i><br />
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So back in November I did the Candida diet--which was no sugar, no dairy, no gluten. It was hard, but I had a lot of help. It was actually a really amazing few months where I felt super supported by so many people with cookbooks, recipes, moral support, etc. I didn't notice much difference from the diet except that my depression seemed to lift a bit, and my energy crashes seemed to lessen or disappear. Once I had been on the diet for a while, though, I started to see parasites (Just like how the Candida starves, so do parasites, they live on the same foods. So they die and then pass through your body's detox system.) come out, which was FREAKY. So we immediately got an anti-parasite medicine, and after taking the first one, I started to see different parasites, so I went on a second one (this was all a super emotionally charged, terrifying, and stressful few weeks full of my own research, my doctor's research, and the pharmacist at Walmart's research, mind you, since no one knows anything about parasites, apparently) and it was like magic. I started feeling better the first night I took it, and then continued to take it for 2 full weeks. I was passing parasites in droves and it was horrible, but felt very productive because I was killing awful things inside me! <br />
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Once I finished that first round of parasite meds, I started to feel pretty horrible again, so I did another round of 2 weeks of it and this time, my pelvic pain went away! Oh and this whole time I've been sort of on and off the diet because it really makes me nauseous to stay on it 100% strictly, but during this second round, I tried to be perfect on the diet and I think it helped get rid of the parasites. They say you can never get rid of them fully, but at least I can say they're not coming out of me anymore. I have NO idea why the medicine helped my pelvic pain, but I've had a lot of days lately where I have none! Even if I sit all day or something! That's been amazing. Just feels like a dream. But then if I eat something with dairy in it or anything that upsets my stomach it seems to come back a little. I'm still trying to figure it all out, but something about that second parasite medicine made it disappear for a while. <br />
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Unfortunately, throughout all of this parasite madness, my arms and joints have started to kill me. They just burn and burn and ache and ache and I can't really correlate the bad pain days with anything like activity or food, so I just sit on the couch with ice packs on my wrists and elbows and sometimes cry because I feel like my body hates me. And if we're being honest it's not that rare that I end up in a total WebMD spiral and end at the result of I'm dying and I have every cancer in the world. <br />
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I have now been tested for Lyme, Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Sjogren's, Candida, Parasites, Thyroid issues, Adrenal gland issues, and lots of comprehensive blood tests to test hormones and vitamins. Everything always comes back mostly normal, except that my adrenal glands are not functioning, so I take a supplement called Adren-All which helps regulate my sleep and energy levels, and my body wasn't processing Vitamin B, so now I take a type of B vitamin that my body can process, I guess, and my Iron is crazy low. I also have some inflammation in my body, but not enough to be officially diagnosed with Lupus, they don't think. But I have random big bruises all over my legs and arms that come from nowhere, and the fatigue is out of this world. I feel like I have the flu--ALL the time. It makes adulting pretty hard, but I don't want to take a medical leave from school until I absolutely can't do it. Right now I worked my schedule so I have break-days in between school and client days to recover, so I'm able to do it so far. We'll see how the semester goes. I'm trying to be honest with myself about maybe needing to take a break if I'm in too much pain later on, but I really don't want to if I can help it. <br />
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So since the pelvic pain was gone for so long, I started weaning off Gabapentin (my previous miracle drug) slowly to see if it might help with my fatigue. Gabapentin definitely makes me tired and I'm on an incredibly high dose. The withdrawals are messing with my sleep, which is a bummer, but it should level out here soon. Other than that, everything is pretty much the same with my medicines--lots of supplements, eating healthy and definitely avoiding dairy and sugar, and I feel like they're all helping and doing what they're supposed to, we just can NOT figure out this arm pain. It's getting really bad :(. <br />
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So my life is basically lived from the couch, in a constant brain fog, struggling to be productive with anything, and once in a while feeling good, but way overdoing it so I end up back where I started--on the couch. It's not super great, but I have a really checked-in doctor (like he texts me over vacations to check in...) and I feel like we're at least working on all the variables and maybe getting close to figuring it all out. <br />
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You're amazing if you made it to the end, that's the update for now! Thanks for reading!<br />
<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04056468102786027641noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-1599830988707810062015-11-02T21:24:00.004-08:002015-11-02T21:27:30.163-08:0011/2/15: With Gratitude...<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I've been feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my life lately. I know this sounds weird since I'm on the "can't eat anything fun diet", as my doctor calls it, but really, I just keep reflecting on how lucky I am to be in the place I'm in, doing the things I'm doing, with the support I'm getting. I feel so blessed, and I honestly feel like Heavenly Father has placed angels in my life specifically for this time when he knew I would need them most. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm grateful for:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Friends</b> who live thousands of miles away, but still text almost daily and check in on my emotional and physical well-being. Who know my deepest flaws and insecurities, along with my greatest strengths, and never let me forget either of them ;) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Siblings </b>who keep me in the loop about their lives and spend some of their precious time looking up ways I can sweeten my food with natural sweeteners allowed on the Candida diet. Who've been kind and compassionate towards me about all of the pain I've been in the last 2 months. And who even from miles away have supported me emotionally this semester. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Classes</b> that invigorate me and remind me why I love what I do. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Clients</b> who teach me more about pain and suffering as well as love and healing than I ever imagined possible. I've been particularly blessed lately with a great batch of clients who have opened my eyes to some deep and powerful spiritual truths in addition to temporal ones. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Friends</b> who live close and walk with me, who aren't afraid to be authentic as we talk about hard and important things together and try to be better every week. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Ward family</b> who keep checking in on me--even though I'm over in YSA-land for the time being. And who banded together to support me with cookbooks, recipes, supplements, and ideas on how to manage the candida diet last week when I reached out for help. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Chronic pain sufferers</b> who provide the outlet I need when things get to be a little too much, and who understand when I can't manage to find any hope that things could get better. Their strength is a constant inspiration to me, and their empathy and understanding are irreplaceable. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Professors</b> who care about me, my life, my pain, my growth, my thoughts, my ideas, and my aspirations. Who tell me, "Take care of your health first, school will work itself out." and continue to support me and believe in me when all the evidence says they shouldn't. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Utah</b> with it's beautiful rivers and colorful mountains in the cool, crisp, fall air that rejuvenates my soul. I live in such a beautiful place, sometimes I think I forget that. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Dave, </b>who committed to eating only things I could eat while I'm home, to make this all easier for me. And who cooks for me when I'm too tired, and tells me to stop when I'm pushing myself beyond my energy capacity, and who reassures me that I am not too much for him because he loves me, even with all the caretaking he's had to take on. (and about a million other amazing things about him)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Young Single Adults</b> who give me the opportunity to feel like I can make a difference when I teach them about marriage and relationships and build friendships with them. And who also rallied around me in an overwhelming way when I asked for help with the candida diet. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Doctors</b> who have been my angels through all of this. I am so lucky to have more than one doctor who is genuinely concerned with my recovery, who listens to me when I have ideas and thoughts, and who crafts my plan of care to my specific needs and lifestyle. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Hope. </b>For the first time in years, I have real hope that this might go away. That I might have a chronic pain-free future someday. As terrifying as it is for me to write that sentence, I've been carried this week by the feeling of hope that this doctor is right and that we might have finally found the underlying cause of all of this. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And finally... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.</b> I have never felt their influence in my life as strongly as I have throughout last year. I know with a surety that my Father in Heaven and his Son are aware of my every struggle, and that they are directing my path and others' paths to create the most supportive environment possible right now. I have felt their love for me more strongly than I ever even thought possible this last year, and without their unconditional love and acceptance, I don't know how I'd be managing the emotional roller coaster of this life. I'm also incredibly grateful for the Atonement and the opportunity it provides for me to change and grow and become a better person every day. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Life hasn't been perfect or particularly easy lately, but I've been overwhelmed by the support I've felt whenever I have reached out for help, and even when I haven't reached out. So thank you for being a part of my life, and thank you, friends, for lightening my load a little bit with your empathy, meals, conversations, cookbooks, comments on my posts, text messages, phone calls, or whatever other way you've touched my life. It has not gone unnoticed, and it has helped me more than you know. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04056468102786027641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-74652239828423047032015-10-25T11:44:00.000-07:002015-10-25T11:50:44.642-07:0010/25/15: I Have to Cut Out Sugar?!<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know there's only so much I can write about struggling with my health before people get bored and stop reading, so hopefully this will be the last post for a little while about it, but I think since I was feeling pretty good last year I didn't really feel like I needed the outlet this blog provided for me. Now that I'm in a lot of pain again, I've turned to writing for therapeutic reasons. So here I am, to talk about the constant struggle that is life with chronic pain again. Except this time there's a little more hope in my words because for the first time in months, I feel like we've made another huge breakthrough!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've been really struggling the last 3 weeks with what I now term "fibro pain" because it just feels like I have the flu, except I don't have the flu. I've had some good days in there, which is entirely crazy-making because it makes me question whether any of this is real, but I usually wayy overdo it on those "good days" and wind up in bed recovering the next day and then I feel sad, but at least reassured that I'm not crazy. So, I know everyone thinks that their doctor is the best doctor, but really, my doctor is the BEST DOCTOR. It took me a few years of searching to find him, but from the first appt. I knew that he was phenomenal. He's been the one managing all of this for me for the last 2.5 years and he's the most invested, caring, systemic-thinking, doctor I've ever had. I seriously don't want to leave Utah until this is all resolved because I doubt I'll ever find anyone better. So he's the one who casually mentioned fibromyalgia last time, but then he called me a week later and told me that he'd been thinking about my case all week and really felt like I should go to this functional medicine guy in Spanish Fork because he specializes in looking at the root of the problem (that's what functional medicine is, basically), and he would look at my diet and exercise, my hormones, etc--just a wholistic perspective on the issue. The problem was that his next opening for new patients wasn't until February (4 months?!). But my doctor had his own personal appt. with the functional medicine guy the following week and wasn't going to be able to keep it so he offered me his time slot. He had already called the other doctor and asked if that would be alright and the other guy said yes. I, of course, said yes because anytime I can skip 4 months of a waitlist I'm not going to pass that up and I had an appt. with the new doctor for 1.5 weeks later!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The appt. was on Friday of this week (2 days ago) and it was amazing. The doctor spent 2 solid hours with me--no other patients in between--just listening to my history as well as explaining his philosophy about how all of this started and why it's progressing the way it is. I told him I was going to have a tough time feeling hope that this would get better and he told me he was 100% confident that if I followed the plan he could cure me. I laughed out loud at that, but he was serious. He said he's never seen a patient he couldn't cure as long as they did their part. That's a pretty big claim when we're working with something like endometriosis or fibromyalgia. But I went home and basically haven't stopped researching his explanations all weekend and I'm more and more convinced that he might be right about all of this. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">His basic philosophy is that there is a genetic disposition to auto-immune disorders (lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, Hashimoto's, etc.), and then there are emotional or physical triggers that send our body into overdrive, and then with those two things our GI Tract goes into an inflammatory response for so long that it's starts to tear and we develop what's called "Leaky Gut Syndrome". He is of the opinion that my initial trigger was probably a few years back when I was on antibiotics forever for chronic sinus infections and my body started getting chronic yeast infections (my parents and I have always thought there was a connection here). It turns out that yeast is a really common underlying cause of every symptom I've ever experienced--even endometriosis--because my body has learned that it needs to be constantly fighting this infection, and it has caused widespread inflammation nonstop for years on end. What happens is that eventually with the inflammation lasting so long, you start to develop one of the specific autoimmune disorders (if you have the predisposition) and until you can restore your GI tract health and get the inflammation down, you can't restore balance to your system and you will stay in pain. Since fibromyalgia is not one of the specific Autoimmune Disorders, the doctor ran a bunch of tests to see which one we think I have, so we can at least have a starting point, and then he also started me on a bunch of supplements to start repairing the tears he thinks I have in my GI Tract and to stop feeding the yeast in my system. Unfortunately, this also means I basically need to stop eating any and all sugar, since that's what yeast lives on, and I need to be eating lots of protein to keep my blood sugar stable. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This was all preliminary hypotheses, and he'll call me on Monday with the results from the bloodwork and lab tests we did to look at more specifically what foods I'm having reactions to. From there we'll craft a very specific food and supplement plan to start the restoration process. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was really hopeful (and I actually am too, at this point) that this is totally curable and I just have to be consistent about it. But as I've done more research, I've found that for a lot of people, the restoration process can be worse than the original autoimmune disorder symptoms because as you kill off the yeast (or whatever bacteria) that's overrunning your system, it releases toxins, and your immune system is already so compromised, it has a hard time clearing out those toxins, which leads to more inflammation and pain. In the long run, though, it seems to be a real solution to all of this (assuming yeast or some other infection is really the root cause of all of this) and I'm willing to try it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was telling Dave yesterday that it feels really weird to be living this double life of sorts where I go to school and see clients and pretend everything is normal, but then at home can barely lift my arms and need help with something as simple as plugging in my laptop. And it's weird to try to focus on stats homework, when I really just want to keep reading anything and everything about functional medicine and how cortisol and insulin interact with each other in the face of widespread infection and how that relates to lupus, and how that relates to endometriosis, and on and on and on...It feels like I'm trying to balance these two warring parts of myself that are trying to live in harmony, but the stronger one gets, the more it takes from the other. I'm praying and hoping that this might be a solution for all of this, but scared as all get out that I'm just setting myself up for another huge disappointment. Prayers would be appreciated right now! And thank you to everyone in my life who has been so understanding of my recent flakiness and need to set boundaries for myself to keep my energy levels manageable. Having loving support and understanding right now has been so meaningful and helpful through all of this. As always, thanks for reading! And wish me luck! (especially cutting sugar out...eek!)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Also, here's some of our life lately :) (Sorry, I'll work on taking more pics, and better pics)</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Josh and Tiffany (Dave's brother and his new wife!) stayed<br /> with us last weekend and it was fun to get to know them a little better!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Stake conference with Emma! We're in a bishopric in her stake and<br /> so we got to hear her beautiful musical number at the stake <br />conference where they called a new stake presidency for us! <br />She did great :)</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of those days I did WAY too much when I felt good. But it was fun!</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04056468102786027641noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-42042977586048773982015-10-05T11:01:00.001-07:002015-10-05T11:10:32.886-07:0010/5/15: Finding Self-Compassion<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lately it's felt like my life is just one big loop that keeps repeating itself. I can vividly remember a visit to my physical therapist <a href="http://erinpenrod.blogspot.com/2013/09/back-to-school-struggles.html" target="_blank">2 years ago</a> after the first week of my master's program where I was on the verge of tears telling her that I didn't think I could do this. I couldn't sit in the chairs in class for more than 20 minutes without being in severe pain and it was so distracting that I could barely take anything in. She gave me a tens unit--a portable stim machine--and it was a lifesaver for those first few months of grad school before we found some medications that helped minimize the pain. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Since then, we've tried about a hundred different combinations of medications, procedures, surgeries, physical exercises, mental health support, emotional work, etc., and we've seriously diminished my pain to the point where I was almost pain free for most of last year. Unfortunately, when I started the PhD program, my pain came back with a vengeance. It's been ramping up all summer, but it got so bad the last two weeks that I decided I needed to go back to my doctor for help. We're not exactly sure what's going on, except that we know endometriosis spreads when you're not on hormonal suppression, and I've been off for a year now, so there's a good chance there's more endometriosis triggering the pelvic pain. Unfortunately, it feels different this time. I've been having serious fatigue and all-over body-aches, which are tell-tale signs of fibromyalgia. Now, all of the conditions I've been diagnosed with so far (and there are a bunch) are in the same family as fibromyalgia--they're functional somatic pain syndromes--so when I asked my doctor about it he casually said something to the effect of, "Of course you have fibromyalgia--at least you're on the spectrum--but whether or not that's an official diagnosis won't change the way we treat it, because we're already treating you the way we would treat someone with it." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This was quite a bombshell for him to so casually drop on me. I think he saw the shock on my face (he's a pretty observant and emotionally in-tune doctor) because he quickly reassured me that even though this might be something I struggle with my whole life, there will be good times with the bad times, and there are things we can do to manage it, etc. This didn't make me feel any better, though, because I just heard, "You're going to struggle with this your whole life." That's really different from, "You shouldn't be in this much pain, and we're going to find out why and fix it." which is what I normally hear from him. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Needless to say, it's been a rough week over here. He talked pretty frankly with me about making sure I only keep good stress in my life, and cut out the bad. I've had to seriously consider my schedule and if a PhD is plausible with how much pain I'm in. It's the most frustrating thing to be limited physically when mentally I have SO much I want to accomplish!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm just taking life one day at a time for now, and we bought another tens-unit to help me get through classes and homework, which is helping just a bit. But mostly I'm working on not feeling guilty or bad for not being able to make it to all of my classes, or do all my homework, or research as much as I should. I'm working on allowing myself to have self-compassion and sleep when I need to sleep, and work when I have the energy to work. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Something Elder Bednar said in General Conference (the LDS Church leaders speak to us 2 weekends a year in this conference) really spoke peace to my soul yesterday--<b>"When you cannot do, what you have always done, then you only do what matters most...Physical restrictions can expand vision. Limited stamina can clarify priorities. Inability to do many things can direct focus to a few things of greatest importance." </b> I know that I've seen this happen in my life. I've seen SO much good come from my physical pain and limitations, it's just hard to remember it in the moments that I can't get out of bed for class, or pain is keeping me up all night, or I'm struggling to stay with clients mentally and emotionally because I'm distracted by my aches. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sorry for a tough post today, but this has all been dominating my thoughts for the past two weeks, and while we've also had some great days and fun with friends and family lately, I feel like this is what my life is really about right now--finding the balance. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cYZIq-yGZfM/VhK8JbVJO_I/AAAAAAAAAls/HCSyqRvHla8/s1600/IMG_1095.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cYZIq-yGZfM/VhK8JbVJO_I/AAAAAAAAAls/HCSyqRvHla8/s400/IMG_1095.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At Chalk the Block with my niece and nephew!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Also, as per request, Pepper found a jungle gym and I thought I'd share :) Enjoy! </span></div>
Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04056468102786027641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-80632266858549673512015-09-14T13:28:00.002-07:002015-09-14T23:11:02.528-07:009/14/15 Life Update<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm sitting here before I leave to see a client today and I'm supposed to be finding articles to add to my 50-article-long-list-already for one of my research papers, but I'm a little distracted and burnt out, so I'm going to attempt to update the blog instead. This is just a life update since it's been forever, and I figured people might want to know what Dave and I have been up to!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Dave:</b> Still in his PhD program (4th year, making slow, but steady progress on his dissertation), and working full time at a new job. He quit the MTC this spring because things got a little crazy. He was working really intensely (LONG work weeks) towards the end on training materials for mission presidents on how to help missionaries struggling with pornography and how to not increase shame, etc. It was actually an incredible experience for the both of us because Dave got to write and influence these materials that will help train 18 and 19 year olds how to acknowledge their emotions and think about pornography as a coping mechanism, not just a hopeless addiction. So while that was incredible and we had a lot of really spiritual moments with that, it just wasn't possible to be working so many extra hours without getting overtime while trying to do school and being in a YSA bishopric, so right at a great time, someone reached out to him and offered him a new job doing user experience design, which was new for him, but he's really loved it and he excels at it :) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So yeah, crazy busy, they asked us to stay in the YSA ward for another year (because Dave is basically awesome and super organized and reliable, so who would want to lose him, right?), which was a hard decision for us because with chronic pain and constant emotional work, it would be great for me to have more of an established ward for support, but in the end we felt good about staying. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dave also tries to get out to fish the Provo every other weekend or so and he always does great and it's really rejuvenating for him. But it's hard to find the time with all the homework and work and church calling stuff there is to do. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Erin:</b> I took the summer off (sort of) from school and only saw a couple of clients a week all summer. At the end of my masters I was in a really bad spot emotionally. I was having a hard time with the emotional burden of my clients and I was working through a lot of hard personal things in my own therapy, on top of a miscarriage, on top of knowing all of my best friends were moving after graduation. So I took a break and got our house under control. I organized like a mad woman and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned ;) My mom would be proud! Then I rewrote some of my articles to submit for publication in the PhD program, which was great. And I spent a lot of time training Pepper (hence her ability to fetch!!), and intensely engaging in my own personal healing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now I'm back in school again, PhD this time, in the same program, but with a new cohort and a new advisor who I LOVE. I wasn't sure what he'd be like, which was unsettling all summer, but he has been super supportive of anything I want to study, and he respects me and listens to me, and can challenge me in a kind way and I'm thrilled about it :) It makes researching a lot easier when it's something I can get passionate about. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My pain was great all last year because I found my miracle drug, Gabapentin, but ever since the miscarriage it has slowly been getting worse (which would make sense because endometriosis gets worse monthly if you're not on hormonal suppression), and this month has been the worst. I'm sure it's stress related, but regardless, it makes it really hard to be productive and really hard to be patient with people--kind of a problem for a therapist, haha. We aren't doing much about it right now (other than a colonoscopy 2 weeks ago which revealed nothing) because if we get pregnant here soon, that's a whole different ballgame anyway, so there's no point messing with meds right now that I'll have to stop taking when I'm pregnant. The plan is to go back to my doctor for help with it all once we're pregnant, and hope that that's soon so that the endometriosis doesn't keep spreading. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So basically, Dave and I get less than half the nights of the week to actually see each other before 10 pm and we're back to the crazy schedule that is grad school life, but we're both happy and feel really at peace about what we're doing with our lives and our education. It's been a bit of a crazy summer with traveling and being with both sides of the family a lot for Emma's homecoming, NY with Jeremy and Sierra, Josh and Tiffany's (Rackham side) wedding, Scott visiting over Labor Day, and Dave's brothers and mom here this weekend as they settled into BYU-I. It's been great to see everyone so much, but we would be lying if we didn't say we were excited to get back to a normal routine and get our lives under control a little bit. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hopefully that's a good enough update for now, sorry it's been so long! As always, thanks for reading!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04056468102786027641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-73213937891258998962015-08-31T19:04:00.000-07:002015-08-31T19:05:33.213-07:00Why Am I Here?<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Today was the first official day of my PhD program at BYU! But before I go into that, I just wanted to thank everyone for the support I received after posting a couple of weeks ago about our miscarriage. It was really an amazing experience for me to be so vulnerable and see how love and support was the unanimous response from so many of you. Thank you for reaching out to me through comments and private messages to talk with me about your own pain and loss and how you got through it. It meant the world to me to know that people out there cared about my struggle and pain and were there for me when I reached out for support. I also learned a lot from each of you about pain, empathy, grief, and love. So thank you, again. It was such powerful experience for me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So today marked the first day of my PhD experience (in Marriage and Family Therapy at BYU). It felt like a pretty big deal even though all we did was sit through a few meetings and get oriented. But I'm starting a PhD! How did I get here? I never thought I'd be pursuing a doctorate. A masters felt like more of a possibility my whole life, but a PhD? That was never for me. Turns out I really like school, and I especially like school when it's about mental health and how to be a more effective therapist. So here I am. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'll be honest, the entire process of applying for the PhD and getting accepted has felt a little automatic and mindless. I haven't felt a very strong push for what exactly I want to do once I <i>get in</i> to the PhD, I've just gone through the motions to get here. All summer I had conversations with myself and Dave that went something like this:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>"Is this really what I want to do? I don't want to do this because it's some goal I feel like I need to achieve to become a complete person. I want to do it for the right reasons."</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>"What are the right reasons?"</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>"Well, I think the wrong reason would be to boost my self-esteem, or to convince myself (or anyone else) that I'm good enough and worthy of love. But if I don't want to become a professor, why am I doing a PhD program?" </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And the conversation would end there--never resolved. Eventually I got to a place where I was about 95% confident that this program wasn't about convincing myself that I'm enough, but I still wasn't exactly sure why I felt like I should do it. Then about a month ago I gave a lesson in our church (a ward of young single adults) all about pornography and the atonement and how shame gets in the way of healing and progressing and what pornography addiction is really about--how it's emotional, not sexual, and how there is hope, etc. It was one of the most powerful lessons of my life--not because the lesson was particularly powerful (although I think it was for some people), but because it reminded me of exactly what I'm passionate about and it became very clear to me what I need to do in the PhD program. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Dave reminded me that night that of all the clinical populations I've worked with, pornography users are the ones that I consistently maintain hope for, which is unique because most therapists feel more hopeless with pornography than other issues. I think as a church and mental health community, we don't understand the issue of pornography addiction as fully as we need to, and as it stands, we don't have treatments that work. We have treatments that can make improvements, but we're missing something. People who really struggle with a pornography addiction have usually seen multiple therapists and each one has tried something different--usually to no avail--and most of them have ignored trauma and emotional regulation as anything worthy of attention. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I want to work towards figuring out what we're missing about pornography addiction--particularly in the LDS culture where we're ridden with shame about it. I'm nervous because it's going to make for a tough dissertation, and a heavy topic of study, but I'm determined to do my best to help our community figure out how to help couples and individuals whose lives are being ruined by porn. I'm feeling pretty energized and excited about the program now because I feel very very directed by God in this feat, and I think He'll direct me where I need to go with this over the next 3 years. I've have a fantastic mentor who's supportive and happy to help me find the answers I'm looking for, which is not always a given in a PhD program, so I feel blessed and grateful for him. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">All in all, I'm relieved to feel like I finally have a direction for my program and confident that I'm going the right way (at least for now, you never know where Heavenly Father will lead you, right?). We'll see how long this energy lasts, since this is all pre-homework, research, and stats classes...but at least for now, I'm feeling like I finally know why I'm here and what I need to work towards for the next 3 years. Wish me luck! </span></div>
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Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04056468102786027641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-40643943541862261422015-08-14T18:07:00.001-07:002015-08-14T18:07:59.351-07:00In The Spirit Of Authenticity...<br />
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Guys, I have tried to start this post like a hundred times. It's been 9 months since I last blogged and I feel like I'm a completely different Erin now than I was then. I share relationship posts on Facebook at least 2x a week, but I'm sad that I haven't found the courage to really share my personal thoughts and feelings with everyone over the past 9 months. <br />
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It's been the hardest year of my life (#understatement) even though the pelvic pain has gotten miraculously better with the help of my new medicine. It sort of feels like God gave me a reprieve from the chronic physical pain so I would have the energy and strength to tackle the emotional upheaval to come. And tackle it I did, haha. <br />
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I really want to get on with blogging about the here and now and sharing what's happening in my life with you all, but it feels inauthentic because I really feel like before I do, I need to share the most vulnerable and painful experience of this last year. It's changed me, and it's important to me that I don't pretend that it didn't.<br />
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In February of this year, we found out we were pregnant. I was immediately overwhelmed with mixed emotions. I was excited and surprised, but also filled with a huge sense of foreboding and fear that I might miscarry, or even if I didn't miscarry that I might be in chronic pain again as I'd have to stop my medicine. And it definitely didn't help that I didn't feel at all ready to be a mom!<br />
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We only knew I was pregnant for a couple of days before I went and had a blood test done to make sure everything was alright. As I'm sure you can guess, everything was not alright. My numbers were incredibly low--too low to really hope that this would be a viable pregnancy. But we just watched and waited for almost 10 days because they were slowly rising. Dave and I were on the biggest emotional roller coaster we'd ever been on (which is saying something after the last couple of years we've had) alternating between feeble hope that everything might be okay, and suffocating fear that I might be miscarrying. Once the numbers seemed to plateau (still in a nonviable range), my doctor did an incredibly painful ultrasound to make sure it wasn't ectopic and finally ordered a D&C. This all happened within the span of about two weeks, but felt like a lifetime for us. <br />
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After the D&C, it was impossible to ignore the intense feeling of loss and I didn't know what to do. I wasn't that far along because I'd found out pretty early that I was pregnant, so I felt dumb feeling the grief so intensely. Was this even considered a baby this early? My best friend had just had a miscarriage a few weeks earlier and she'd been MUCH further along and I didn't want to add to her pain, so I didn't tell her. I've hated myself ever since for not telling more people. I needed support, but there was a strong feeling of, "It wasn't that big of a deal, you were only so many weeks along, and you don't want to make it uncomfortable for everyone around you." <br />
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So I pulled back. I told my family, one of my professors, one other friend and then I shut off my emotions so I wouldn't burst into random tears throughout the day. I completely lost all motivation to go to class, to be present when I actually made it to class, to be present with my clients, to emotionally engage in their pain, to attend choir rehearsals which I usually LOVE, etc. It wasn't until about 2 weeks after the procedure that I fully let myself grieve the loss. It was one of the most painful, yet bonding experiences Dave and I have ever had as a couple. We had <b>so many questions</b>: <i>Was this considered a baby yet? Will this baby be part of our family in the eternities? Does this mean miscarriage is going to plague our childbearing years? Was this because of the endometriosis? Is it normal to feel this much pain and feel it so intensely about this? </i>And there were <b>so many feelings</b>: <i>Sadness</i> mixed with <i>peace</i>, <i>relief</i> mixed with <i>guilt</i>, <i>fear</i> mixed with <i>love</i>, <i>anger</i> mixed with <i>hurt</i> and <i>confusion</i>, and the list goes on. <br />
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I just sort of channeled my pain into really really working hard on my thesis so I could graduate in April and have a break as soon as possible. It worked. I got my thesis done, and it was a miracle, but I was broken. I was so broken when I graduated. I felt like a champion that day. Like I had overcome so much and grown and changed as a person like I never believed I could, but I was hurting inside, and I was still healing. <br />
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When Mother's Day came around, I couldn't do it. I really thought I'd be fine, but just an hour before I was supposed to run a choir practice, I fell apart--I couldn't stop sobbing. I felt the loss so intensely--all day at church I was weepy and sad and confused about still feeling pain about this 3 months later. Luckily Dave is super tuned in to my emotions and was able to just hold me and remind me that it's okay that I was still hurting and I didn't have to go to church if it was going to be too painful, and that there's no time limit on grief. <br />
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It's been 6 months now since the miscarriage and I regret every day that I didn't tell more people when it was happening. Even before I was pregnant, I was personally against waiting to tell people until your 2nd trimester because it doesn't make sense to me. Don't we need support the most in the first trimester when we're vomiting all over ourselves and can't keep saltines down? And don't we absolutely need support if we're in the process of losing a baby? Anytime I've shared that I had a miscarriage since then, most women have responded with their own stories of miscarriage and how it was difficult for them too and how they understand the pain and grief. It's SO comforting to not feel alone in this, so why did I keep it to myself for so long? <br />
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I said that this has changed me and I believe it has. I think I'm exponentially more empathetic--meaning I understand better what it means to hold someone's pain with them and show them that they aren't alone in it. I'm more sensitive to infertility and issues surrounding motherhood in a religious culture that celebrates motherhood. I also took the time for myself to heal, which required some intense therapy and soul searching about how I want to be as a mother and how I can love fearlessly in this terrifying world. I worked to surround myself with people I knew I could be vulnerable with because I trust that they love me and will support me. I feel like I'm in a good place right now thanks to Dave, Heavenly Father, and other people who have loved me through this, as well as reading a WHOLE bunch of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Bren%C3%A9-Brown/e/B001JP45BA" target="_blank">Brene Brown</a> :). But I still struggle to understand what exactly has kept me from telling my closest friends about the miscarriage until I felt like I could present it all tied up in a neat little bow through a blog post. Any thoughts on what holds us back from being vulnerable with those we love even when we know they'll be there for us? <br />
<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04056468102786027641noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-73114526994979108922014-11-02T16:21:00.001-08:002014-11-02T16:28:26.191-08:0011/2/14: And Also...Along with the self of the therapist work that's been consuming my life, we've been living a life of craziness lately--more than ever if you can believe it! Dave's managing the iPad project at the MTC and it's led to 12-14 hour days pretty frequently for him and little to no time to just relax and hang out with each other. He goes to bed around when I get home at night and leaves before I wake up so it's a lucky day when we actually see each other long enough to hold a conversation. Hopefully things will slow down for him here soon so we can enjoy thanksgiving with my family up here!!! YAY!<br />
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My semester has just felt insane for some reason as well. I was about to say that on paper my life doesn't seem that crazy, but then I started counting up the hours and it's definitely crazy. There's about 14 hours of class, 15 hours of work(research), and then 10-15 hours of clients a week. So without accounting for homework in there that's already 43 hours. So it's crazy. Not as crazy as Dave, but still a bit much--especially when it's taking an emotional toll as well.<br />
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Next I was going to talk about a PhD, but after listing the craziness of school right now that seems sort of insane. But we've both had some pretty amazing spiritual experiences lately giving us very firm guidance about when to start a family and the PhD has never felt out of the picture for me, so I'm going for it. I have no idea how it is going to work in the plans, but this was more of a spiritual decision than logical. My application is due Dec 1st (I think..) and I'm working on it. I'm not sure which professor I want to work with and that's been part of the stress of this semester, but I think at least one of them will take me, haha. There are some studies I'm more interested in than others, but at this point, I just want a PhD, so I can get excited about whatever research they want me on. The professor I originally wanted to work with is sending me to an externship in Salt Lake next week to learn more about and start getting certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. I. AM. STOKED. I love EFT and want to become good at it (it's hard because you have to be soft and slow things down a lot--2 things that are not my forte...), so this is amazing he's paying for me to go get trained. And I feel like if he's spending the money to send me, I have a pretty good chance of getting into the PhD program to use the skills in his study. Crossing my fingers! It would mean three more years at BYU, and 1 year longer than Dave. He'll graduate in about 2.5 years. But we're okay with that :)<br />
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Um...what else? I'm loving and hating therapy. For the first time it feels like "work" to see clients instead of fun. I think I'm just getting a little burned out trying to balance it all. But once in a while I have awesome things happen like a couple bringing me a card on our last day together with a picture of their family and telling me to never forget how much I've changed their lives and especially their kids' lives :) Sometimes it feels like I'm hitting my head against a wall with my clients, but other times it's the most exhilarating thing I've ever felt. It's amazing to watch clients' lives transform before my eyes. I obviously love it enough to go on with a PhD, right? <br />
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Dave is really loving his research for his dissertation. It's much better than his classes, but he's getting close to being able to be done with classes and just do his dissertation :) As long as work calms down and he can stay in school...just kidding, but not really...<br />
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I think that about sums it up right now for us. In other news, here's our life through the lens of my iPhone!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Trying to eat healthy lately! We're doing a fitness program at BYU together to help us be<br />
accountable to being healthier. It's going...alright...but that's my fritatta breakfast I've been making! <br />
Tastes better than it looks :P</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fishing with Dave and Corbin!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I needed Fall decorations because I was feeling like our house was too bland. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fall decoration :)</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And the wreath that I've been looking for forever! It looks great on the blue door I think!</td></tr>
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<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02633161858502623378noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-49416611169313251612014-11-02T10:23:00.000-08:002014-11-02T10:29:33.244-08:0011/2/14: Self-of-the-Therapist--Family Style...I don't think life as a therapist is ever going to be easy. I think I had this naive hope that there would just be a huge start-up cost of figuring out my own issues and working through them and then from there it would be easy. I mean, I understood that it would never be <i>easy</i> to listen to people's most difficult struggles in life and it would never be <i>easy </i>to stick with them even when everybody else had abandoned them. But I think I hoped that the emotional journey would at least <i>slow down</i> at some point. But maybe that's part of what's made the last few months so difficult--they were unexpected.<br />
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The rest of this post is sort of a compilation of a lot of the self work I've been doing this semester and it's personal and also irrelevant to most people, but I wanted to be able to put into words for my family what has been going on for me all semester and why they've been peppered with questions nonstop since September. Feel free to keep reading, but I don't expect most people to get all the way to the end :) <br />
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So, we're in a few classes right now that have really delved into our families of origin (the family we grew up in) so we can relate to our clients better. The first project was about facing our adolescence and understanding the parts of us that haven't healed yet from the pain (because any way you put it, adolescence is painful--from school, to work, to home, to extracurriculars, to social lives, etc.). I thought I would go into this project and it would be a breeze. "No problem", I thought, "I had a pretty happy childhood/adolescence!" I didn't expect to start writing my paper and feel emotionally transported back to the stress of high school and navigating the social dynamics there, and I <i>definitely</i> didn't expect to feel so sad about realizing, once again, that I'd struggled with bouts of minor depression when I was younger and that none of us really knew what it was at the time. <br />
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So that first project brought up some pretty strong emotions for me, but the hardest part wasn't the painful emotions themselves--it was my questioning them. Was this really how I felt when I was younger? Am I imposing my adult self onto my child self right now? How do my parents see how this all went down? Siblings? etc. It was kind of like a knife to the heart to realize that I didn't even trust my own experience of things, and I didn't know why it felt like a knife at the time--I just knew it did. Needless to say, that presentation was severely interrupted by tears upon tears and I think my professor just gave me a pity grade because you couldn't really understand what I was saying at all when I was presenting, haha. There were just a lot of powerful, raw emotions I had never addressed before that were coming out before I was ready for them.<br />
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So I sort of put this project out of sight out of mind when it was over because I didn't really want to think about it again, but I did go back to therapy to start working through it all with someone. (This was important because I can't really help my adolescent clients if I'm too scared to go near my adolescent self emotionally.) But then in another class shortly thereafter I had <i>another</i> family of origin presentation to do! This one was more from the lens of gender and ethnicity in my family. <br />
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I already knew I didn't trust my perception of things from my project before, so this time, I sent an email out to all my siblings and my parents and asked them the questions I had to answer for my presentation--How were women treated in your family? How aware was your family of privilege? Did you experience any oppression due to gender or ethnicity? etc. I was pleasantly surprised by the responses of my family and also intrigued by the fact that everyone had a slightly different experience of things. I think I obviously expected this, cognitively, but somehow I still felt like my perception was the "wrong one" and reading everybody else's would clear it up for me. <br />
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Only my two oldest siblings and my parents responded because I think my other sisters didn't really want to engage long enough to come up with well-thought out answers (I don't blame them). But I was surprised to see that my experience was most similar to my brother's and then not completely different from everyone else's, but there were subtle differences, and certain things that stood out to each person that the others didn't even mention. My mom wanted to read everyone's responses at the end and I was nervous to let her because everyone had written knowing that I was the only person who was going to see them. But they all said I could share them so we all read each others'. When my mom was surprised by some of the things we'd said about emotions being handled at a pretty cognitive level, she explained to me that with 6 kids (5 girls) it was a <i>necessity</i> to keep things even-keeled--especially when she was pregnant for most of that time. <br />
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Her comment really caused a break through for me. Not because I needed to understand <i>why</i> emotions were handled the way they were--I was kind of already past the point of curiosity on this front--but because when she said that, I realized my immediate reaction was to get defensive and invalidate her experience. I hadn't ever understood before that to feel like my experience mattered, I needed to invalidate everyone else's. I mean, I <i>had</i> understood this last year after some feedback I'd gotten from friends and supervisors and I had put it into practice obviously a lot with my clients and with my friends and things, but I had never applied it fully to my family because I hadn't even realized it was happening in that realm of my life. I think I've been fighting so hard to prove that my experience matters in my family that I've been shutting everyone else's out. <br />
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It was a really liberating moment to realize that before I can validate my own experience I have to validate other people's. It helped me 1) recognize maybe why I'd had such a hard time accepting my emotions surrounding my adolescence, and 2) actually <i>listen</i> to what my mom was telling me about her experience because I was listening to <i>understand</i>, rather than to <i>retort</i>. It's mostly liberating I think because now I don't feel like I have anything to prove to anyone. I can live my life how I want to live it and I can think and feel what I want. It's okay if someone else has a completely different experience. That's because everyone is different and sensitive to different things. They don't have to be right or wrong, and neither do I. <br />
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^^Reading that last sentence it sounds so obvious and simple, but I can't figure out how to convey the import of that realization for me. <i>Life affects everyone differently.</i> <i>It doesn't mean someone is right or wrong.</i> This was huge. <i> </i><br />
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Just in case anyone but my family actually <i>did </i>make it to the end, I just want to clarify that nothing really bad ever happened to me in my childhood or family. I had a ridiculously blessed and privileged life with little to no trauma and amazingly committed and talented parents, as well as connected and engaged siblings. Which is why I'm able to focus on such seemingly tiny things like validating my own experience--I don't have trauma I'm trying to work through simultaneously. And for that I am incredibly grateful. So please don't walk away from this thinking there was some huge thing wrong with me or my family. It was just day to day stuff I'm talking about here and just differing experiences of it. </div>
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<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02633161858502623378noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-28677925870246919912014-08-17T10:22:00.004-07:002014-11-02T09:37:55.624-08:00To Dave...Well, I've been pretty MIA on the blog lately because of a few reasons; 1) We've been in and out of family vacations all over the country, 2) I've been busy trying to finish this huge paper before Fall semester starts so every time I start to write a blog I'm wracked with guilt, 3) I usually feel like writing, and then when I sit down to do it, I'm over it, and 4) There just hasn't been that much to write about. But today is Dave and my's 2 year anniversary. It seems like such a tiny little number when I write it down after seeing so many couples who are decades into their marriages in the clinic, but still, these 2 years have been packed with more joy, pain, growth, learning, and love than any other 2 years in my life so far, so I think they're worth celebrating. Of course, our relationship wouldn't have been possible without my incredibly loving and supportive husband, Dave, so this post today is a letter to him. (I figured I'd get his anniversary card and my way overdue blog post done in one go--two birds?)<br />
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Dear Dave,<br />
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Happy anniversary! 2 years, can you believe it? Sometimes it feels like it's been lifetimes, and other times it feels like we were just living in Condo Row watching White Collar together, doesn't it? I never used to believe it when people said, "I'm more in love with my husband every day..." or "We're so much more in love today than when we said 'I do'". I thought these were just sappy romantic phrases they used to convince themselves that they were happy with their lives. But I get it now. I mean, I really get it. <br />
Getting engaged to and marrying you two years ago made so much sense when I made those choices. Everything was so easy with you and I just felt like with you by my side I could do anything in the world. But I didn't realize yet what that meant for the rest of my life. I think that Heavenly Father knew how lucky I was to be married to you and he's now requiring more of me than he's ever required before because he knows that with you, I can handle more than I was ever capable of before. (What a compliment to you from Him!) Sometimes as a couple we hate this, of course, because it means a lot of outside stress on our relationship that we could obviously do without, but I think we're both growing together as people who are going to become better able to be the hands of God and serve his children than we ever thought we would. <br />
I'm forever grateful for your incredible (sometimes unbelievable) work ethic. I don't get how you can work a full day at the MTC, come home and grab a quick bite, then work at least another half day well into the night on school or your start-up projects. However you do it, it's allowed me to feel stable and secure in our finances and our future. I never worry that you'll be able to provide for us and a future family, which is pretty amazing, because I worry about everything, haha. Having the financial security we have right now and you being able to keep moving up at the MTC has also been a lifesaver with all the medical expenses that are just through the roof right now, and I love you for never making me feel bad about incurring them. <br />
Sometimes I think about the way we function and I'm just baffled by how strong you are. Literally. I don't understand it. On days when I'm too beaten down to get out of bed, or I'm hopeless about the pain ever going away, or the program has just become too much for me to handle, you're able to keep your spirits high and lift me up as well. Again, I don't get how you do it, but I don't know what I'd do without it. You have a gift for helping me see the good things about life and pushing me to keep going with hope for the future. I can't wait to see that gift put to use with our kids. I'm so glad they'll have a rock of positive support and love to come to when they're feeling down. <br />
I love that you love to teach. Whether it's teaching your siblings to fly-fish, teaching me how to do things on my computer, teaching lessons, or wherever you use that talent, I love it! You're so generous with wanting others to succeed and you're so patient with people when they don't quite get it. You have a gift for making learning interesting and fun, and it's so obvious to me why you want to go into that for your career. It's fun to watch you be so passionate about how others learn and how you can make it the best for them. <br />
Of course there are other things I love about you, but these are the few that have been rolling around my head for the past little while. The biggest one, as always, is your commitment. There have been a lot of reasons and excuses for you to walk away from this relationship the past two years--whether emotionally or physically--and you never have. You've stayed on days when I've done nothing but sleep because I'm in pain, you've stayed on days when I didn't have the emotional or mental capacity to listen to you at the end of my day, you've stayed on days when I wanted to give up, you've stayed on days when this chronic pain seemed to be ruining our lives, and you've stayed on days when I thought I was completely unlovable and someone would have to be crazy to stay with me. Your sweetness and tenderness with me during my hardest times have helped me truly believe that I'm worth loving and that life can be a beautiful thing, regardless of whatever trial we have at the current moment, especially when we lean on each other. <br />
I don't think I believed people before when they talked about falling more in love with their spouse everyday, because I didn't understand that to weather life's storms and come out happy, you <i>have</i> to lean on your spouse and let them into the most vulnerable parts of your soul so they can help you heal them. And after having such an intimate experience with each other, how could you not be more in love in the end? So I can honestly say to you today, "I fall more and more in love with you every day since we got married. I never could have imagined the kind of love I've experienced with you, but it's so much more than my imagination was capable of!" <br />
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I love you, sweetheart. Thank you for always standing by me and loving me more than I ever could have believed. Happy Anniversary!!</div>
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Love,<br />
Erin :)Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02633161858502623378noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-72939613199151493692014-06-09T23:04:00.003-07:002014-06-09T23:16:13.218-07:006/9/14: We're Still Alive...I Promise!I've been needing to write for a while now, but it feels like there's so much to say and yet, so little at the same time. So I've put it off. But I can't sleep, and I need the catharsis right now, so here I am attempting. <br />
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Well, I'm now more than halfway through my master's program at BYU and it feels like it's flying by. I've done almost half of my clinical hours and seen my clients do just about everything from dropping out of therapy early, hating me, depending on me <i>way</i> too much, and even starting to stand on their own two feet again and face the world without the help of therapy. Obviously, the last scenario is the most rewarding for me to watch, not only because it reaffirms my self-doubts about whether or not I'm helping people, but because it's really inspiring to watch someone change before your eyes and build their own strength to the point of independence. <br />
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So as far as therapy-land is going, I'm still loving it. My favorite clients are my families (so either kids with their parents, teens with their parents, or adult kids with their really old parents). There's just so much going on in the session and it's amazing how quickly the change happens when you have parents who are involved and just want to love their kids and do their best. I like working with couples as well, but their cases are a little discouraging sometimes because their marriages have fallen so far and a lot of them are here as a last resort so I just wish I knew how to help them better. And as always, individuals are sometimes great, sometimes mind-numbing, depending on the client. But I still want to do this for the rest of my life, so in my book, that's a win! :)<br />
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I'm seriously considering BYU's PhD program in MFT which would mean another 3 years of school here. But they pay for it plus a generous stipend, I already know all the professors, and one of them is doing a research study about women's health issues and how marriage and family therapy can help with it. He actually works on it in conjunction with the doctor who manages my chronic pain, so I'm very interested in joining his team. It's hard to know if it'll be the right thing for us, but I feel pretty good about it and will hopefully be applying this Fall to start next year after I graduate. <br />
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As far as Dave and I, Dave got a promotion at work so that was a really huge blessing for us--the timing couldn't have been better--and he's happy with all his responsibilities at the MTC. We are slowly chugging along on the house with paint and crown and trim. We're almost done with all the upgrades we think we'll do, we just need to get the motivation to finish it! We're hoping to be fully finished by the time Fall semester starts up again (I'll believe it when I see it...). Dave's still liking his program at school and gets to take independent research credits this Spring/Summer, so it's like a pseudo-break in the sense that he doesn't have to physically be in class during the week, but just needs to do independent studying on his own for his dissertation. He's still enjoying what he's learning, so that's great. We realize we're both pretty lucky to have found things we're passionate about to be spending so much time and energy on :)<br />
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This past semester was really insane and we hardly saw each other because I came home around 9 pm almost every night, and he left around 6:30 am every morning. We're enjoying the slow(er) pace of spring and summer so far because it means we actually get to see each other more than 1 hour a day, haha. But even with all the craziness, the sheer mental and physical exhaustion, and the frozen lunches and dinners, we're really happy with our life. We both love what we do, we live in a great house, we have a great ward, and we have family right here in Provo with us. We just have to remind ourselves of all of that once in a while when things go haywire ;)<br />
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Here's a bit of life from the lens of my iPhone...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GnRCCmyOzvo/U5adYUjt9-I/AAAAAAAACrQ/UagfdzvDOiM/s1600/photo+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GnRCCmyOzvo/U5adYUjt9-I/AAAAAAAACrQ/UagfdzvDOiM/s1600/photo+1.JPG" height="400" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We still love our planter we built from the ground up :)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-E6OHaeuq9Hc/U5adWaxWAZI/AAAAAAAACq8/aMudz4nZXfU/s1600/photo+3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-E6OHaeuq9Hc/U5adWaxWAZI/AAAAAAAACq8/aMudz4nZXfU/s1600/photo+3.JPG" height="400" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was a bold risk for me! But I love the blue and think it turned<br />
out great. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mhJib0vJ7u0/U5adeWMTb7I/AAAAAAAACsk/Rm4MeFZ_UCo/s1600/photo+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mhJib0vJ7u0/U5adeWMTb7I/AAAAAAAACsk/Rm4MeFZ_UCo/s1600/photo+2.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It just makes the house look more finished, I think. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_KQ4Os4wUZI/U5adWveiskI/AAAAAAAACrA/cXzGkcozsQc/s1600/photo+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_KQ4Os4wUZI/U5adWveiskI/AAAAAAAACrA/cXzGkcozsQc/s1600/photo+1.JPG" height="640" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">There will be another post dedicated to this picture,<br />
but these were a concrete and very poignant<br />
reminder to me that Heavenly Father is aware of me<br />
and my pains and struggles. A testimony that he<br />
uses angels to comfort the weary and strengthen the weak. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mZzE0G9fHDU/U5adWxaXjxI/AAAAAAAACrE/ohuGJK0fl20/s1600/photo+4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mZzE0G9fHDU/U5adWxaXjxI/AAAAAAAACrE/ohuGJK0fl20/s1600/photo+4.JPG" height="400" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">UVMCO had their concert dedicated to America!! While the<br />
narration was a little strange, the music was incredibly<br />
moving, and I've loved every minute of being in this<br />
choir this semester!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8USYs9PJ16o/U5adZbJ2-lI/AAAAAAAACrc/-acZh0JNQIw/s1600/photo+3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8USYs9PJ16o/U5adZbJ2-lI/AAAAAAAACrc/-acZh0JNQIw/s1600/photo+3.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Um...I live on these things...</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iFWFjuIGz2M/U5adZrR3IfI/AAAAAAAACrg/aUEhg7WYvGw/s1600/photo+4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iFWFjuIGz2M/U5adZrR3IfI/AAAAAAAACrg/aUEhg7WYvGw/s1600/photo+4.JPG" height="400" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And Dave lives on fishing, but I went with him and my Dad this time<br />
and I caught some beautiful fish!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bQ4pU_GS3r4/U5adatMa4VI/AAAAAAAACro/xdQoBX-aq3M/s1600/photo+5.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bQ4pU_GS3r4/U5adatMa4VI/AAAAAAAACro/xdQoBX-aq3M/s1600/photo+5.JPG" height="480" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Puzzles are my current escape. Since I can't solve my clients' problems,<br />
and I can't solve the chronic pain, it's my reassurance that at<br />
least some puzzles have answers. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WiMCpy9qRng/U5adrd0YYhI/AAAAAAAACsw/hTEupG1D87o/s1600/photo+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WiMCpy9qRng/U5adrd0YYhI/AAAAAAAACsw/hTEupG1D87o/s1600/photo+1.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">On a lighter note, I cut my hair last week!!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-e8TnawiRiqs/U5adrQNOp4I/AAAAAAAACs0/87V-ZNw-QjI/s1600/photo+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-e8TnawiRiqs/U5adrQNOp4I/AAAAAAAACs0/87V-ZNw-QjI/s1600/photo+2.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And I especially like it curled!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VkXIjm8QY54/U5adrjaRN-I/AAAAAAAACs4/NBc-QUSub5U/s1600/photo+3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VkXIjm8QY54/U5adrjaRN-I/AAAAAAAACs4/NBc-QUSub5U/s1600/photo+3.JPG" height="640" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And I just want to go back here. I spent the week in CA last week watching the kids of one of my favorite families ever for a week while their parents were gone. It was a lot of work, but I would do it again in a heartbeat!</td></tr>
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<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02633161858502623378noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-22128763610064732292014-02-09T22:22:00.003-08:002014-02-10T14:46:37.911-08:002/9/14: Special Guest Post by David...<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Recently someone asked me, "What is it like being married to a marriage and family therapist student?” </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tonight on a flight to Seattle when I saw Mt. Rainier gracefully emerge through the clouds I finally found my answer. I <b><i>hate</i></b> it. H.A.T.E. And by <b><i>hate</i></b>, I might mean love.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A few years ago I climbed Mt. Rainer via a technical route that includes a few hundred feet of ice climbing. Because of the many dangerous crevasses I was in a rope team with three other people. Unfortunately, two of the three people on my rope team decided to be tourists and take pictures every few minutes. Every time they stopped, the rope connecting us would go taut and I'd come to an abrupt halt. This constant, violent jerking strained my body more than I was prepared for. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">At about <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_79900813" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">5:00 a.m.</span></span> at 13,000 feet above sea level, I was succumbing to altitude sickness.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In that moment I <b><i>hated</i></b> everything I was doing. It didn't matter that the sun was just starting to rise and the entire mountain reflected a transcendent palette of pinks and purples. It didn't matter that I was just 1,000 feet below the summit of one of the most technical routes on Mt. Rainer--the largest mountain in the continental US. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I <b><i>hated</i></b> all of it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When we reached the summit everyone else was shedding jackets and celebrating. Instead, I pulled my big red down jacket from my pack, threw it on, and shivered violently--not even able to stand. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">About <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_79900814" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">11:00 a.m.</span></span> we were finally back to base camp, more than 12 hours after we'd left. We packed our tents up and started the slog back to the ranger station about 6,000 vertical feet below us. By <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_79900815" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">6:30 p.m.</span></span> I was stuffing my face with the best tasting pizza I had ever had. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But at this point the two tourists and I had a decision to make. Did we start the 14 hour drive back to Provo, or find a hotel somewhere? I was beyond broke and had a flight to catch in less than 48 hours. So, motivated by destitution, and fueled by more Mountain Dew than I will ever admit, I drove the three of us 14 hours back to Provo, through the middle of the night, after climbing for 20 straight hours, while the two tourists snored soundly. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">34 nearly sleepless hours later I was back in Provo <b><i>HATING</i></b> everything I had just done. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Strangely, the next day as I was on a plane headed to the east coast I was already dreaming of climbing Rainier again. I'd seemingly forgotten how much, in the moment, I hated everything about the experience. Suddenly it was one of the most incredible moments of my life!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Being married to a MFT student is something similar. On days where she had a good session, Erin's excitement is uncontainable! After a day filled with sessions that 'didn't go that well' she gets down on herself. While I try to be supportive, I'm learning I'm not that great with the whole 'emotion' thing. Fortunately Erin's life is consumed with helping people feel; connecting with their emotions. Being married to her means I don't get to just be "mad." I have to be one of the what she calls <i>primary emotions</i>--"disappointed", "sad", "scared", or "hurt." At first it all felt very artificial, but now I realize how emotionally bereft I can sometimes be.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A huge focus for Erin's program is "self of the therapist." For her, that means being acutely aware of her own issues and weaknesses so that she can learn to not let them interfere with her therapy. For me, it means that at least weekly she comes home with probing questions about herself, me, and our relationship.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I knew when she was accepted into BYU's program that in a way I was getting accepted too. As part of Erin's program she started going to individual therapy. Soon after, WE started seeing a therapist. Being honest, I <b><i>hate</i></b> it. But I hate it in the same way that I <b><i>hated</i></b> my experience on Mt. Rainier. In the moment you can't picture anything more repulsive, painful, demanding, or discouraging. And then you realize that you just paid a lot of money for that "privilege"! </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But somehow when it's all over you realize just how transcendent and elevating the experience was.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have a profound respect and admiration for everything that Erin is doing. Every day she is pushing herself to overcome weaknesses and better connect with her emotions so she can help others do the same. Frequently she feels like she hasn't made any progress. The truth? Being married to her I can hardly believe the amount of change I've witnessed in the last few months. It's a big part of why I <b><i>hate</i></b> being married to an MFT student. Watching her work so hard pushes me to work on my own issues. I can't just "coast" for a bit, and I <b><i>hate</i></b> it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sitting in the Seattle airport, all I can do is dream about climbing Mt Rainier again. I think I might actually <b><i>love</i></b> being married to a MFT student, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I look forward to the coming months while Erin is in school because we're closer than we have ever been. My love for her is deeper and my respect and admiration grows daily. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So I guess when people ask me what it's like being married to a MFT student I should just give them the short version and say, "<b>It's awesome.</b>"</span></div>
Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02633161858502623378noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-79214313834994530312014-02-04T12:23:00.003-08:002014-02-04T12:23:38.757-08:002/4/14: 80 hours--Learning to Find Joy in the (torturous) Journey...Sometimes I think God is just waiting until I have two solid feet on the ground and I'm feeling pretty stable with life and then he says, <i>Now! Throw something new at her!</i>. I'm being slightly facetious, of course, but this last week felt like one of those times--apparently I'm not allowed to just float along or be complacent with my progress as an MFT right now. If I'm not growing, something hard happens to <i>ensure</i> some personal growth. I sort of have a love/hate relationship with this new pattern in my life because I like growing and becoming a more complete person, but it's also painful and if I had a choice, I think I'd settle for complacency once in a while. <br />
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This last week I hit 80 hours and started to really feel my hope in my clients disintegrate. I thought if I was a better therapist (or knew what the heck to do at all), they would be improving faster and they'd have some chance of getting better. As it was, I felt like I was impeding their personal growth and they had no hope for recovery if they stayed with me. They're all so motivated and they're working so hard, but I just can't give them the tools they want and need. I told my supervisor that I didn't think I was really cut out to do this because I haven't seen my clients improve very much yet and she decided this was a moment for some self-of-the-therapist work (of course...).<br />
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She asked me why I expected my clients to improve after 2 months when they've been struggling for 5-10 years on average with what they're coming in with. I couldn't answer her, except that I just wish I could help them get out of their pain as fast as possible. She dug deeper and told me that I am too <i>achievement oriented</i>. For example, I'm taking extra clients to finish my hours early, I want to be a great therapist already after only about 10 weeks, I want depression and anxiety to just disappear as soon as clients decide to come to therapy, I expect the outcome of something I'm working on to be excellent--regardless of how hard it is to get it there, I'm not happy unless I'm working towards a goal and making good progress, and I can't feel good about myself if I feel like I'm not living up to my standards for myself or succeeding at my goals. She concluded by telling me that until I figure out how to relax and enjoy the journey, I won't be able to help my clients very well. I need to be okay with ambiguity, okay with this all being a process, and okay with things not getting "fixed" immediately.<br />
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Little did my supervisor know how deeply this runs for me. I mean, I literally feel helpless and hopeless on a daily basis about my chronic pain and I'm frustrated that there doesn't seem to be an answer or a fix to all of this. I just want it to be black and white. Either you can make the pain go away, or you can't. Either I can have kids or I can't. Either I'll be dealing with this my whole life, or I wont. I'm tired of the ambiguities. I'm tired of the endless doctor's visits and tests. I'm tired of being tired. And I want it all to come to a nice neat conclusion tied with a bow. Unfortunately, this seems like it's a lesson I need to learn--that life doesn't come with nice conclusions tied up with bows. <i> And that's okay. </i><br />
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Every day I'm learning more about myself, my husband, my relationships, my family, more than I even care to learn, to be honest. And I think that's what life is about. It really is about the journey, as cliche as that sounds. It's not about the destination, because <i>there is no destination </i>in life. There's just trial after trial and joy after joy and it's all meant to be enjoyed :) So that's what I'm working on this week--trying to find joy in the journey, in spite of temporary bouts of hopelessness. Wish me luck!Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02633161858502623378noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-31020970107722528212014-01-21T13:20:00.001-08:002014-01-21T13:21:08.373-08:001/21/14: Our Life Lately...So I haven't really done any catch-up blogs lately, and I'm sitting here bored out of my mind in class so I figured I'd give a brief recap of the last few weeks at our house. <br />
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Christmas Sunday we stayed in Provo so I could conduct the Christmas Program by the choir in sacrament meeting. The choir did a beautiful job and I was really moved by spirit I felt. It was the highlight of my Christmas season up to that point without a doubt. It might have had something to do with the relief I felt with it being over with, though...<br />
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We went home to California for Christmas and it was crazy busy like always, but really fun to be with everyone. It was my family's turn for Christmas so we had a ton of people at the house and it was slightly chaotic. My parents were saints to let everyone stay there in their house! There wasn't much downtime, but I needed a break from school so badly that just being away from clients, classes, and the cohort was glorious regardless of what else was filling my time. <br />
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We had everyone over for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, and Emma's farewell brunch the following Saturday so there was lots of cooking, cleaning, . It was way fun to see everyone and I was so sad to head back to Provo (and sad that our <a href="http://erinpenrod.blogspot.com/2014/01/broken-in-baker.html" target="_blank">truck broke down</a> on the way back, of course...). <br />
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Once the second semester started, we hit the ground running and haven't stopped since. Dave's working on a huge project at work doing about 50 hours a week, and his classes are tough this semester too because they're advanced statistics and another theoretical class. Our schedule basically goes like this:<br />
6:00am-Dave wake up and head to work<br />
8:00am-Erin wake up and get ready for school/clients<br />
5:00pm-Dave come home from work<br />
5:00-9:00pm or midnight-Dave do homework and continue to work on work project<br />
7:30 or 8:00pm-Erin come home<br />
8:00-10pm-Erin do homework<br />
10:00pm-one of us go to bed<br />
12:00am-the other one of us go to bed.<br />
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repeat.<br />
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So now we're understanding what people mean when they say they barely ever see each other. We feel like we're living that, but luckily, we both really enjoy what we're doing. We're just a little busy and tired with everything. <br />
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This last week we had my old roommate Courtney over for dinner (she just got back from her mission), had Emma and all my family over on the Tuesday night before she left for the MTC, had my cohort over on Thursday night, and had my cousin Corbin over on Sunday for dinner. Our house has never been cleaner!<br />
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On top of everything we've been doing, I've managed to finish a second draft of my thesis, Dave's been fishing 3 times in the past 2 weeks, we've cooked at least 3 meals a week (our New Year's Resolution), stayed healthy so far, and managed to keep our heads above water. I'll check in to let you know how we're doing after another week of this crazy life!Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02633161858502623378noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-18899530744694210952014-01-18T11:40:00.003-08:002014-01-18T11:41:19.169-08:001/18/13: How therapy has affected me thus far...<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"Think of your head as an unsafe neighborhood; don't go there alone."--</i>Augusten Burroughs</div>
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This is exactly what comes to mind when I think of my experience of offering therapy so far. I've completed about 35 clinical hours now of my own--almost 60 if you include my observations of others' cases--and it's been a little rough, to say the least. </div>
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I never thought I was all that sheltered or caught up in my own little happy bubble--but <i>man, was I sheltered and caught up in my own little happy bubble</i>. As soon as my clients started opening up about their past traumas, severe struggles with self-esteem, unbearable pressure on themselves to perform, and basically all that is wrong with the world we live in today, I went home and told Dave, "I think anyone who goes into this field with even an inkling of what they're getting themselves into must be a masochist." And I meant it. As much as we're supposed to be able to compartmentalize work and home to keep them separate, some stories are just going to stay with you. How can they not? And sometimes it's not even the stories that get to me. It's the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the grief, and sometimes even worse--<i>the</i> <i>apathy. </i>I just hurt for these poor people who's lives have been so traumatizing that they've had to resort to turning off their emotions to be able to function. </div>
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Don't get me wrong. I am absolutely loving it. There's something incredibly rewarding about shutting out my own life for about 10 hours a week to solely focus on someone else's pain and really empathize with them and help them heal. (Except, I have yet to feel like I'm actually helping anyone heal..) I find it easier than I thought I would to empathize with my clients and enjoy listening to them and talking with them. My favorite is when one of them says, "I don't know if I've ever thought about it like this before, but..." or "I never realized how much..." or something else that helps me know that at the very least I'm helping them explore parts of themselves that have been ignored their whole lives. </div>
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But with the good also comes the bad. Some nights I come home and I just want to curl up in bed under the covers and have Dave hold me because I'm afraid to bring children into a world like this. Some days I can't think of anything else except how desperately I want my clients to realize how strong, competent, and innately good they are. Sometimes when I'm driving home I just have to cry, because I don't know what else to do with the powerful emotions I feel after a particularly painful session. And sometimes I question whether or not I can handle this roller coaster ride for the rest of my life. </div>
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I think it's good that right now as I'm just starting out I'm so strongly affected by my clients' struggles. I think if I wasn't there might be something wrong with me. But I'm <u><i>really</i></u> hoping that sometime soon I figure out how to take care of myself in a way that will help me stay emotionally healthy and positive about life in spite of all the bad I see. </div>
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My supervisor was watching one of my sessions the other day and she told me that I needed to stop skirting around my client's pain. I needed to get them to feel it, be there with them, and just let them stay in it, feeling whatever emotions came. I told her I didn't really want to, because it was just too hard for me to go there. It was too painful. So she gave me this analogy. She asked what the main character did in <i>What Dreams May Come</i> when he found out that the love of his life had been sentenced to Hell while he was in Heaven. He journeyed all the way to Hell to save her and while he was there he experienced the grief and loss she herself experienced before they could be reunited and travel back to Heaven together.</div>
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So basically, that's my job. I see people stuck in the torment of their own hell, go down and be there with them there for a while, and then try and pull them out of it. </div>
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Now, that makes it sound like I'm super important and without me these people would be stuck forever. That's not my point at all, and that's definitely not true. I just mean to illustrate that I'm beginning to understand what it means to truly empathize with people in their darkest moments and still maintain the positivity that comes with knowing that there's something better out there for them to experience.</div>
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As hard as it is on me right now just starting out, I know that this whole process is making me a better person and has the potential to make a difference in the lives of so many people who didn't deserve the bad that life has thrown at them. And I know I'm in the right place because I can just feel it, but I needed to process some of my emotions about my experiences so far through writing today. Thanks for reading!</div>
Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02633161858502623378noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-17762667474150056402014-01-14T13:18:00.003-08:002014-01-14T13:19:55.655-08:00Broken in Baker...<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>So I've decided that if I try to catch the blog up linearly it'll never get done. So I'm going to start with the last 3 days or so, because I don't want to forget the feelings and experiences we've had this weekend. (This is now almost two weeks ago...)</i></div>
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About a week ago Dave and I were trying to decide which day we should drive back to Provo after spending Christmas in California. We knew it had to be Thursday or Friday because there was going to be a storm coming and we wanted to miss it. For some reason I was having a really hard time deciding which day we should leave. I felt like we should leave on Thursday, but I also wanted to stay the extra day with my family and enjoy California for as long as possible. We kept putting off the decision until Wednesday when I felt pretty strongly that we needed to leave on Thursday even though I didn't really know why. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So much in the back!!</td></tr>
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We were hauling a bunch of old furniture my parents were giving to the kids up here in Utah in the bed of the truck. It was loaded to its maximum capacity without a doubt (imagine Tetris with couches, chairs, and tables). Since we left on Thursday we weren't worried about the storm hitting us because it wasn't supposed to come to Provo until Friday night, and we were planning on getting to Provo on Thursday night. Since we were so confident in our timetable we decided to leave the furniture mostly uncovered so we wouldn't have to deal with flapping tarps for 10 hours on the road. </div>
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About an hour into the drive (Victorville) I heard a funny noise and asked Dave about it. Now, you have to understand that I'm the type of person that freaks out about every little noise I ever hear in a car. Since my mind always jumps to the worst case scenario we tend to just ignore my fears when we're in the car together. But I kept hearing the noise and asked, "Are you sure we shouldn't be worried about that?". Dave assured me that this was just an old car and old cars have "character" in the form of weird noises. </div>
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One hour further into the drive (just outside of Baker, now) we heard a cyclical swooshing sound that sort of sounded like a flat tire. We definitely payed attention to <i>this</i> noise. We slowed down and moved over a couple of lanes just in case, and as we were gliding to the right we heard a huge "CLUNK!" that sounded like something metal hitting the bottom of our car. We pulled over to the shoulder and slowed to about 25 mph. We continued to drive at this speed until we could find an exit to get off on. The next one was Zzyzx Road so we pulled off and tried our brakes to see if it was something going on with them. The wooshing sound became more distinct as the brakes were engaged and we thought we were zeroing in on the problem. We wanted to see what would happen if we tried to come to a complete stop so Dave tapped the brakes once more and the car skidded to a screeching halt right in the middle of the Zzyzx Road offramp on its own. Awesome.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YZcWp3ArwPU/UtWeasdYM4I/AAAAAAAACgA/4VJPvFNnaeE/s1600/Baker+Blog+5.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YZcWp3ArwPU/UtWeasdYM4I/AAAAAAAACgA/4VJPvFNnaeE/s320/Baker+Blog+5.JPG" width="240" /></a><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8bU5qMZIs5o/UtWea008oBI/AAAAAAAACgI/70wgviiBzGE/s1600/Baker+Blog+6.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8bU5qMZIs5o/UtWea008oBI/AAAAAAAACgI/70wgviiBzGE/s320/Baker+Blog+6.JPG" width="320" /></a>At this point we were at a loss. Either our brakes had seized on us, our transmission had died, or something else we didn't even know about was going on...We got out (<i>in the middle of the road, mind you</i>) and looked at the car. You could see the black skid marks on the road from where the brakes had kicked in of their own accord. We called our car insurance and asked for a tow which wouldn't be there for another hour and a half, unfortunately. We then proceeded to troubleshoot the problem. We called my parents and my grandpa who once was a mechanic in the military. Dave and them all had a fun time trying to find the problem while cars (and SEMI-TRUCKS!!) were squeaking by us on the shoulder since our car wouldn't move forward or backward and we were literally right in the middle of the road. woops.<br />
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It turns out Dave had worked on the car a few months ago and removed and then replaced the front right wheel. I don't know much about cars, but I've heard the same words thrown around all weekend so I'll try to do my best to describe what happened. The caliper in the wheel has two bolts that hold it in place and apparently these two bolts were missing on our front right wheel when Dave looked under the car so the caliper had come loose and jammed itself in the wheel well causing our wheel to get stuck and refuse to budge.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was taken under the car behind the wheel well...</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The blue stuff is the lock-tight.</td></tr>
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At this point Dave had to admit that his workmanship was probably the culprit...a very humbling experience indeed...The bolts had been tightened to spec, but Dave just used the same bolts that he'd removed and the lock-tight which comes on <i>new</i> bolts was missing. (Lock-tight is some sort of glue/thing that makes sure the bolts won't come out?) See the picture to the side. Anyway, without the lock-tight, the bolts will work themselves loose over time (4,000 miles to be exact...) and it seems like that's what happened to us. Luckily, the bolts came out clean and the threads in the holes were still perfectly intact, our rim hadn't been damaged at all minus a scratch (a miracle!), nothing else was damaged in our car, and once we replaced the bolts we would be good to go. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just to prove I was actually there...and smiling!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Poor Dave. Or should I say "poor Dave's pride".</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look how low the back of the truck is...so scary.</td></tr>
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So we got towed to a mechanic (the only mechanic in about a 100 mile radius) and we nervously eyed the furniture now precariously bouncing up and down while sharply angled toward the road during the entire tow-ride. Luckily we were just 2 miles or so outside of Baker so it didn't take long to get there. </div>
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The mechanic was really great and stayed open pretty late. When he looked at the truck he told us our assessment had been correct and we just needed the two caliper-retaining bolts and we'd be on our way again. We called around to all the shops in the area ("in the area" being a 100 mile radius, of course), but these bolts were specific to a '97 Ford F150 so no one had them except a Ford dealership all the way in Victorville. They were going to close in an hour so there wouldn't be any way to get the parts until the morning. </div>
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<i>Aside: At this point it had become crystal clear why I'd felt like we needed to leave on Thursday instead of Friday, and we were grateful we had.</i> </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Good 'ole Will's Fargo Motel :)</td></tr>
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So we looked around for a hotel (who are we kidding? <b><i>Motel</i></b>) and there was just one still in business. The mechanic was really nice and drove us there since it was dark, cold, and we had to bring our big suitcases since we didn't have overnight bags or anything convenient like that. The motel was incredibly creepy and sketchy, but it had a king bed (win!), so it could have been worse. It was relatively clean and had a heater so I was happy. And as a cherry on top, <i>March of the Penguins</i> was on CNN on the TV in the room! <br />
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We spent the evening eating dinner at Denny's forever to use up time, trying to get my hot spot to work in the motel so we could check the weather to make sure we'd still beat the storm the following day, calling my parents and convincing them that there was no need for them to drive up and come rescue us, and watching <i>March of the Penguins</i>. It was actually pretty relaxing knowing that there was literally nothing we could do except rest until the next morning. <br />
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Come next morning I was not feeling as relaxed as the night before. I was a little more anxious to get out of Baker and get on the road. I was worried about the storm and didn't want to have to worry about stopping mid-drive to tarp all the furniture because the snow might ruin it. I was also having bad feelings about how early the mechanic had told us we'd get the part that morning. His son was supposed to be coming up from Victorville with it around 11:00am so we would be on the road by 11:15 hopefully. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-k0eFaByMQYI/UtWeXhI1lMI/AAAAAAAACfI/ZiQAwzY-i_0/s1600/Baker+Blog+14.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-k0eFaByMQYI/UtWeXhI1lMI/AAAAAAAACfI/ZiQAwzY-i_0/s320/Baker+Blog+14.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All this happened at Denny's the next<br />
morning, mind you...</td></tr>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z22CfWQf0Tc/UtWeWm8V5MI/AAAAAAAACe8/UuEP1zk1ZNM/s1600/Baker+Blog+13.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z22CfWQf0Tc/UtWeWm8V5MI/AAAAAAAACe8/UuEP1zk1ZNM/s320/Baker+Blog+13.JPG" width="240" /></a>We called the Ford dealership like 5 times that morning to ask whether or not the parts had been picked up and when they hadn't been picked up by 10:30 (remember it's an hour and a half drive from the dealership to Baker still) we decided we needed to figure something else out. Dave had the thought to ask the dealership if they might directly deliver the parts for us and so we called them <i>yet again </i>to ask, but they said no. Baker was too far for it to be worth their time. We pushed a little and told them we'd pay them for the time and gas if they could get it to us and they said, "Well, I'm not really doing anything around here, so let me ask a manager if it's okay." He came back and told us if we'd pay $20 for the delivery he'd be on the road as soon as we hung up! We were ecstatic!!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Turns out our motel was right across from the<br />
famous thermometer, we couldn't see it the night<br />
before in the dark. </td></tr>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pz2rF-R7L4o/UtWeYWsMqeI/AAAAAAAACfU/E7JWd5Yupc0/s1600/Baker+Blog+16.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pz2rF-R7L4o/UtWeYWsMqeI/AAAAAAAACfU/E7JWd5Yupc0/s320/Baker+Blog+16.JPG" width="240" /></a>We called our mechanic and told him we were having the parts delivered directly and he didn't believe us. He said they had never delivered before so there's no way they'd deliver 2 $10 bolts all the way to Baker. But we had faith in the dealership :) We headed back to our motel for a quick rest before we had to check out and then walked the mile with our suitcases and backpacks in hand down to the mechanic shop. The parts were delivered within about 5 minutes of us getting there and our mechanic's jaw dropped as he uttered a curse word under his breath. He actually didn't believe they were going to come until he saw it himself. </div>
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Once we got the part, the job took a total of 5 minutes. <i>That</i> was what we waited all night in Baker for. $20 worth of parts, and 5 minutes of labor. We checked the tire pressure, made sure our straps were secure, and we were on our way! And only and hour and a half later than we were hoping. If we hurried, we'd still beat the storm!</div>
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I don't know if I've ever made that drive with so few pit stops. Who knew my bladder was so capable?! We were very go-go-go as we were racing the storm, but we made it in time to get home and unload all the furniture into the garage before we saw any weather. It was an absolute miracle. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">On the road again, finally!! </td></tr>
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Throughout the whole experience with our stay in Baker, both Dave and I couldn't help but comment on how certain we were that Heavenly Father had been watching over us.<br />
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We were so grateful we'd left a day early so we didn't feel overly stressed about the timing of everything. Looking back at the series of events, it makes no sense how we made it all the way to Zzyzx road if we'd been missing that bolt for 2 miles already. We should have come to a skid in the middle of the freeway and been in a much more dangerous situation.<br />
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It doesn't even make sense that both bolts both came out so cleanly leaving the threads in perfect shape in the holes. <br />
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Our mechanic told us that we were so lucky the bolt hadn't torn a hole in our rim and we were grateful that we could drive home with just a $20 dollar fix plus labor. <br />
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The Ford dealership that would never even deliver from Barstow to Baker was willing to drop everything to deliver our parts to us from Victorville as soon as we asked them to. <br />
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Somehow we didn't hit any bad weather during the entire drive up from California to Provo.<br />
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Miraculously; none of the furniture was damaged or even scratched during the entire ordeal. We could not believe that after all of that it was all in perfect condition. <br />
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Overall, it was yet another testament to me of Heavenly Father's love for us and how much he truly does care about each and every one of our pains and struggles. It's been a year of a lot of physical pain and emotional struggle for me and sometimes it's easy to feel forgotten, but how could I ever deny such an explicit example of his watching over us?<br />
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Overall, we were pretty grateful to be home safe and sound after the entire ordeal, but we knew we'd been blessed with a little (a lot of) extra help :)</div>
Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02633161858502623378noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-68686912925122928142013-12-06T11:11:00.004-08:002013-12-06T11:12:39.814-08:0012/6/13: Thanksgiving Break...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y_Xha_gJmmc/UqIDwfsQFLI/AAAAAAAACNs/xQnYbVFjhLU/s1600/New+haircut.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y_Xha_gJmmc/UqIDwfsQFLI/AAAAAAAACNs/xQnYbVFjhLU/s1600/New+haircut.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y_Xha_gJmmc/UqIDwfsQFLI/AAAAAAAACNs/xQnYbVFjhLU/s1600/New+haircut.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>
So Thanksgiving break in California...It was a pretty crazy weekend because we had about 14 people over for Thanksgiving dinner which meant a lot of cooking and baking but with only Emma, Corinne, Dave, me and my parents. Usually we have about 6 more helpers when everyone else is home. But it was worth it because we ate so well!! <br />
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So the first day we got there was strictly business--dentist appointment, haircut appointment, and all the things I like to do at home. Now, you have to understand that I never do anything to my hair. Like, the craziest thing I've ever done is get highlights, and I only did it because my mom wanted me to try it. I ended up not really liking it and as soon as I could, I tried to get it back to my natural color. So my bangs have been exactly the same since I cut them like 8 years ago to the side. But I was ready for a change, and didn't want to change my length, so I did bangs this time! I love them, and I'm surprised how much it doesn't bug me that they're in my eyes all the time. The things we sacrifice for beauty, right? <br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y_Xha_gJmmc/UqIDwfsQFLI/AAAAAAAACNs/xQnYbVFjhLU/s1600/New+haircut.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y_Xha_gJmmc/UqIDwfsQFLI/AAAAAAAACNs/xQnYbVFjhLU/s320/New+haircut.JPG" width="240" /></a>Sorry about the selfie <--, but I was the only one around and I HAD to instagram it.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VYduVMMcCbE/UqIDuFDMb0I/AAAAAAAACNc/9ZeymRLSBbk/s1600/Movies+.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VYduVMMcCbE/UqIDuFDMb0I/AAAAAAAACNc/9ZeymRLSBbk/s640/Movies+.JPG" width="640" /></a><br />
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It's tradition for my family to see a movie on Thanksgiving day or go to the beach. Since it was a little bit cold this year (not for me, obviously, since it feels like it's 150 degrees like ALL the time...), we decided on seeing <i>Philomena</i>. It was based on the true story of an English orphan who got pregnant as a teenager and was living with nuns so she was forced to give up her child. Not only did they force her to put up her child for adoption, they made a business out of it by selling the children and convincing this girl that this was her punishment she needed in order to be forgiven for her sin of not being chaste. <br />
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It was pretty serious, but I absolutely loved it. Judy Dench was the main character and she did awesome. So funny. I would highly recommend it if you're in the mood for a great movie, if a little bit sad. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Best part of Thanksgiving if we're being honest. Artichoke Dip . Cranberry Salsa. Chips and Guacamole. Vegetables and Dip. The works.</td></tr>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cUTY3ekcwKs/UqIEFVFH-8I/AAAAAAAACOQ/yOv2oPh3nNc/s1600/Thanksgiving+Dinner+table.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cUTY3ekcwKs/UqIEFVFH-8I/AAAAAAAACOQ/yOv2oPh3nNc/s640/Thanksgiving+Dinner+table.JPG" width="480" /></a></div>
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After the movie we came back and set the table (we were really proud of our hard work on our flower arrangements). Usually Annie does the flowers, but she was missing so all of us did it together. It worked out alright. I guess you can decide for yourselves?</div>
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I don't have any pictures of the actual thanksgiving dinner, but it was delicious and we had Steve and Alicia and their kids as well as Grandma and Grandpa Penrod over. We were all exhausted by the end of the night after cooking all day and doing dishes all night, but it was a good time with everyone. </div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iwYerjM6ZZQ/UqIDtqTRiXI/AAAAAAAACNU/h8ijHSuL53c/s1600/Just+Dance.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iwYerjM6ZZQ/UqIDtqTRiXI/AAAAAAAACNU/h8ijHSuL53c/s640/Just+Dance.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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After dinner, the kids wanted to play Just Dance because Steve and Alicia's kids are little dancers! They had a lot of fun and even Dave and my dad got up there and did it. It was an 80's song that inspired them I think. They got pretty into it (see above^^), and it was so funny to watch. Sorry Dave!</div>
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The day after Thanksgiving we went to my grandparents' house to help them decorate for Christmas since my grandma's hand is in a cast after a recent surgery. It was so fun to see all her decorations up close and get to ask her about where all of them came from. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BrRvTU_SCC0/UqIDniTqoXI/AAAAAAAACNI/JqPrFo78OMU/s1600/Decorating+Grandma's.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BrRvTU_SCC0/UqIDniTqoXI/AAAAAAAACNI/JqPrFo78OMU/s640/Decorating+Grandma's.JPG" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Decorating the tree was my favorite :)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xULRl5lLrmo/UqID7RZvBhI/AAAAAAAACOA/ZBwrE9haG4w/s1600/Snow+White+Statue.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xULRl5lLrmo/UqID7RZvBhI/AAAAAAAACOA/ZBwrE9haG4w/s640/Snow+White+Statue.JPG" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This isn't a Christmas decoration, but it says "Instead of my Prince, I seem to attract<br />
the short, dopey guys." I just thought it was hilarious, haha. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lhOqsB44Dd4/UqID56V5SVI/AAAAAAAACN4/uguBOD35PyQ/s1600/Rock+Nativity.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lhOqsB44Dd4/UqID56V5SVI/AAAAAAAACN4/uguBOD35PyQ/s640/Rock+Nativity.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is one of my grandma's nativities. It's made completely out of rocks that this lady in Idaho collects and polishes and paints. Isn't it awesome?! My mom wants one so so so badly. </td></tr>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TaJ4PHErwBI/UqIDsVlNGDI/AAAAAAAACNQ/gsUx9tJl6p4/s1600/Erin+in+Saddle.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TaJ4PHErwBI/UqIDsVlNGDI/AAAAAAAACNQ/gsUx9tJl6p4/s400/Erin+in+Saddle.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>
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My grandpa has had this saddle in his family room as long as I can remember. I think I have pictures of me on it as a baby. He used to ride horses and he loves this saddle--as do all of his children and grandchildren. Since this was Dave's first time at their house he needed the inaugural saddle picture :)</div>
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On the way home from my grandparents' house, we stopped at the Cheesecake factory since we were all pretty hungry, and the cheesecake we got for dessert was fantastic! It was a s'mores cheesecake! What?! Delicious. </div>
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Then we had my 22nd birthday since I wouldn't be in California for December 4th. My parents got me a pasta roller for home-made pasta! I had asked for it because I've loved it since my cooking class last year. I haven't had a chance to use it yet, but I hope to ASAP. </div>
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After Thanksgiving the week got a little more relaxing visiting friends and watching movies and doing puzzles like the one below :)<br />
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Then we headed back early Sunday morning and got home just in time to fall asleep and wake up in time for school in the morning. It was a pretty good Thanksgiving all around :)</div>
<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02633161858502623378noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-19243888214534648392013-12-06T09:00:00.002-08:002013-12-06T09:01:30.622-08:0012/6/13: Heinz Time...So my fifth grade teacher used to call the catch-up times in class "Heinz time". Get it? Ketchup time...? ha. ha. Well, I think it's funny. The point is that this blog is going to be all over the place to get caught up. Where to begin...?<br />
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We left off with me spending like 5 hours writing my thesis intro and lit. review. It actually wasn't incredibly difficult--just tedious. It took a long time to be make sure all my research has been thorough and my thesis makes sense conceptually within the different theories I'm using. It's pretty amazing to have a draft of my thesis done in my first semester of grad school, so I'm not complaining. It's awesome. Today is the next section--my methods. So after this class (which miraculously I'm attending...) I'll be spending the rest of my day in solitary confinement pumping that thing out since I haven't started and it's due tonight. Yayy...<br />
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I have some people asking me about my pain since it's been a while since I updated. The drug-induced menopause HAS HELPED immensely. I went like 2 weeks with no pain meds at all and that's better than I expected!! My pain has gotten SO much better which means it must actually be invisible endometriosis, despite our skepticism. Because it's worked so well, I'm going to be getting my second shot today (the current one is wearing off since it's only a month's worth of medicine) which should last for 3 months. Then I'll get one more 3 month dose and from there we'll either have to get pregnant or the endometriosis will most likely come back. ...We'll cross that bridge when we get to it...<br />
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So I started seeing clients!! I was pretty nervous for my very first client, but I feel like there's so much support in this program. While I was waiting for my client to arrive, I was freaking out and there were some second-years in the room with me helping me relax, giving me ideas of what to do in the session, reassuring me, and basically, helping me feel like I can do this. It was so nice :) That first session was a little scattered and I felt like I was anxious and all over the place, but it's gotten better since then. I've been able to keep my sessions slower and more focused and overall, I absolutely love it! I'm glad because I've been really worried about my ability to empathize and I've found that it's coming easier than I thought. I still have times where I just can not understand some of my clients, but that usually means there's just something I need to work through about my own beliefs and expectations of people. <br />
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I have a lot of clients (more than most people start out with) because I've asked the clinic to give me as many as possible in case I need to get pregnant for my second year. I want to be as close to done with my thesis and my 500 hours as I can before that happens. I'm sure you can understand why. As bad as menopause is, I imagine pregnancy will be much worse. <br />
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So overall, seeing clients has been awesome. I do feel slightly under qualified because I just feel like I have no idea what to do most of the time. But it seems like just being there for the clients and letting them have someone who listens to and cares about them is pretty healing. That's comforting, right?<br />
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After starting to see clients, we had Thanksgiving Break! Hallelujah. I was so ready for that. This year is my family's turn for Christmas and the in-law's turn for Thanksgiving, but Dave's family lives on the east coast so we can't afford to fly out there--especially just for a day or two. So we decided to drive down and be with my family since we didn't want to be alone on Thanksgiving. <br />
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I think I'm going to split this blog right here because Thanksgiving is a lot, and this is already pretty long.<br />
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(to be continued....)</div>
Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02633161858502623378noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4175036748302283443.post-52403092574061490282013-11-22T11:28:00.001-08:002013-11-22T11:30:58.677-08:0011/22/13: Gone Fishin'...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I wish I was gone fishing, that's Dave right now. I'm actually sitting here in isolation in an office on campus attempting to write my first draft of my lit review for my thesis. It's due tonight and I haven't started writing yet...so your regular Friday blogging program will return when said paper is finished. Wish me luck!<br />
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Until then, please enjoy this little gem of a philosophy I'm choosing to live by right now in spite of being taught to rise above this temptation during my English undergrad years :) What can I say? Grad school is just a different ball game. Sometimes mediocrity is all we can afford to achieve if we want our sanity to remain in tact!<br />
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<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02633161858502623378noreply@blogger.com1