Wrong Roads...

Wow.  I just watched a video from Elder Holland where he told a story that I so needed to hear.  Here's a link to it if you're interested.

His son and he were on a trip and they were turning back home when they came to a fork in the road.  Neither of them recognized it, so they prayed about which way to go.  They felt like the right road was the correct one to take, so they proceeded to go right and found a dead end.  It was clearly the wrong road.  They turned around and headed forward on the left side of the fork, which was clearly the right road.  

When his son asked him, "Dad, why did we both feel like the right road was the one we were supposed to take, when the left one was correct?", Elder Holland answered by saying, "I think the Lord was trying to reassure us of the right road, and the quickest way to do that was to let us go about 400 yards on the wrong road so we'd be certain that the left road was correct."

This so profoundly touched me because I feel like I've seen this application in mine and Dave's lives multiple times.  This is pretty personal, but I hope it's alright that I'm sharing this on here.  Dave was engaged to a girl before me for a long time (like a 2 year relationship experience total).  Things eventually didn't work out and he ended up having to break off the engagement.  Throughout the entire engagement, though, he felt incredibly strongly that he was doing the right thing by sticking with her.  It wasn't until the night before he ended the engagement that he felt peace about walking away.  I won't go into too much detail, but there were some problems with her family accepting him and some stuff about him being short and having a Psychology degree which wasn't secure enough for her or her family.  He was hoping she'd be able to work through the issues and have an open dialogue with her family so she could make her own decision, but she never could, and he didn't feel right waiting any longer after about 2 years.

He didn't meet me until a year or so later and I have been grateful since the day he met me for his experience with this previous engagement.  When I first heard about it, we were just friends and I thought, Wow, I could never marry someone knowing they were ready to marry someone else before me...  But surprisingly, this hasn't been the case at all.  This other girl and I are pretty similar in our interests, major, hobbies, etc, but I handle difficult situations very differently.

Dave wouldn't have appreciated the qualities and abilities I bring to our marriage half as much as he does if he hadn't watched her function so differently with them first.  He's always so vocal about how much he values me because he has this whole other life he almost walked into to compare it to.  He loves my family so much and is so grateful for their support and love of us because he dealt with an "in-law" situation where they didn't support him or their daughter in anything they tried to do.  And most of all, I think Heavenly Father led him down this "wrong road" for so long so that when the "right road" (that's me!) came along, it would hardly take any time at all for Dave to know it.  And that's how it happened.  Dave knew before I did that he wanted to marry me, and I think it's because he had the certainty that comes with traveling down a wrong road first.

I think for right now, my life is full of wrong roads.  (More like a complicated freeway rather than a simple backroad fork.)  I'm constantly chasing new ideas about what could be causing my chronic pain.  And I'm not just chasing; I'm fully driving down the road all the way to the dead end.  I've had surgeries, hormone treatments, physical therapy, and other procedures that have all left me wondering, why did I feel like these were the right things to do at the time, when they were so clearly wrong?  We're getting to a point now where there aren't many possible diagnoses left, and I think Elder Holland might be right that Heavenly Father is letting me travel down all these wrong roads right now while we don't have kids, life is pretty low-stress, and we can handle the expenses of everything so that when life gets more complicated, we can feel peace about a diagnosis and treatment for whatever this is.

Maybe this is just naive optimism again, but I'm personally choosing to cling to Elder Holland's possible explanation for this wild goose chase we've been living for the past year or so.  It gives me hope, patience, and peace that I'm doing the right things by listening to my intuition and guidance from the Spirit about my health plans--even when they turn out to be wrong.

Good Things To Come...

"For emotional health and spiritual stamina, everyone needs to be able to look forward to some respite, to something pleasant and renewing and hopeful, whether that blessing be near at hand or still some distance ahead. It is enough just to know we can get there, that however measured or far away, there is the promise of 'good things to come'"--Jeffrey R. Holland

Let me just start off by saying that I'm sort of a brat about people posting religious things and scriptures on their social media sites.  Even when it's my own religion or I believe the same thing, I tend to skip over their statuses and blog posts thinking thoughts to myself that I don't need to recount here.  So I totally understand if this is not really your thing.

The other night, though, I was having one of those nights.  The kind everybody has once in a while...when the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be mostly clouded over, feelings of despair settle in as easily as if you'd invited them, and the clouds seemed to be lined with a little more grey than silver.  It took me a couple of hours of thinking, tossing, and turning before I remembered that I have a Heavenly Father looking out for me who doesn't want me to feel overwhelmed or downtrodden.  I looked up a talk by Jeffrey R. Holland and was moved to tears by the compassion and love he expressed on behalf of the Lord.  

This video went viral a few years ago with the Mormon community, and I loved it then, but it cut out some of his message that really comforted and touched me the other night.  It's 5 minutes long, but it's a story about never giving up and it is really really great--even if you aren't LDS.  (The best part is at 4:00 minutes I think.)  It's about God's love, and that, I believe, is always worth hearing about.  

"Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead—a lot of it—30 years of it now, and still counting. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

Isn't that great?  I love it, but the best part of the talk for me was actually a completely different section.  Elder Holland focused on the counsel found in John 16:33 to "be of good cheer".  He discussed how the Savior faced the stormy seas with the apostles before he told the waves to be still.  Only someone who has already experienced the sorrows and trials we have is justified in telling us to be calm and still in the midst of them.  When he says to "be of good cheer", it isn't some "jaunty pep talk about the power of positive thinking", but in actuality, "Christ knows better than all others that the trials of life can be very deep and we are not shallow people if we struggle with them".  This touched me because everyone struggles with trials, but in this day and age, I feel like we sometimes praise positive thinking and treat it like it's a cure-all to everyone's problems, but "we are not shallow people if we struggle".   

I loved that he acknowledged that while positivity is obviously helpful and ideal, the Lord is not asking us to always just choose to be happy.  He himself has experienced our sorrows and griefs, and he knows our pains.  What he asks us to do is believe.  He asks us to believe that there are good things to come, to understand that he will not forsake us, and to have faith that blessings will come--whether in this life or the next, they will come.  

Paris Trauma...

Paris, France.  Romantic.  Lovely.  Quaint.  Delicious.  Eiffel Tower.  The Mona Lisa.  Are these the words and images that come to mind when you hear the word Paris?  They used to be for me, too.  But I have since decided that it only lives up to these expectations if you do Paris right.  a.k.a. In a fancy hotel, with a driver to chauffer you to all the sights, a fantastic camera  to be able to capture the most monumental sights you've ever seen, and plenty of money to spend on the ridiculously overpriced (but totally worth it) crepes.  If you do Paris wrong--a.k.a. In a sketchy cheap hotel, taking the underground everywhere, in the pouring, freezing rain with just a light jacket, and with no one to protect you but the other two girls you're with--it can be incredibly dangerous and scary.

I don't think I've ever had the experience of feeling utterly and completely hopeless and then experiencing the mercy of God and falling to my knees in gratitude--until Paris.

It started on our last day in Paris--Bastille Day.  This is the high holy day in French culture--therefore EVERYTHING is closed.  All things except the Louvre, Notre Dame, Saint Chapelle, and other famous sights, that is.  We woke up early to more pouring rain (after three consecutive days) and started on our way to the Louvre to see the Mona Lisa, of course (how could you not?). We had to check out of our hotel early that morning, so we were all carrying our backpacks, side satchels, and suitcases on wheels.  We hopped on the metropolitan (underground) by our hotel after a quick breakfast of cheap fruit off the vendors on the streets--Delicious!!  (And it was a very Beauty and the Beast experience--"Bonjour!  Bonjour!  Bonjour, Bonjour, Bonjour!")  We were in high spirits as we would be returning to our beloved clean and safe London that afternoon.  (I wish I could say dry, too, but no...)  After our first stop off the metropolitan I realized I had forgotten my purse.  I turned to run back on just in time to see the doors close and watch the train speed off.  I may or may not have uttered a profanity under my breath at this point.  You see, my purse didn't just hold my makeup or loose change.  I was a classic tourist and had my passport, wallet, and camera in there as well.  Obviously my camera was not such a big deal, but it added insult to injury, and can you blame me for catastrophizing everything at that moment?

Now, I don't know if the trauma of the situation is clear yet.  See, we were in France--meaning no one speaks English, everyone hates Americans, and they have absolutely no concept of customer service.  We ran to the nearest Metro station with a lady inside.  We started gesturing and explaining, but before she listened to a full sentence she abruptly stated "Speak French."  And slammed the window shut.  At this point I completely broke into tears (I mean...uncontrollable sobs).  Without my passport I couldn't get into London that afternoon because I couldn't make it through security.  And I did NOT want to spend an extra night or two in Paris--alone.  On top of this, none of our phones worked because apparently AT&T doesn't provide service in France!  Who knew?

Anyway, once I started crying, the lady came back and started speaking to us in English (classic...) and asked what was wrong.  She checked the trains on the phone and no one had turned in a purse.  At this point she was sure to tell us that Bastille Day is the day thieves travel to Paris specifically to pick over the tourists.  She told me there was no hope and I should just begin trying to get new documents.  So we needed to find Wi-Fi to use our iMessages or Skype to get ahold of our directors in London to see if they could help us with the US Embassy.  We walked the streets of Paris searching for a cafe with Wi-Fi, but everything was closed because of Bastille Day of course.  Just my luck.  I was completely catatonic at this point but Suzette (my friend) decided we needed to stop in the middle of the street and say a prayer right then.  I believe I rolled my eyes at this point and thought something to the effect of, "Seriously?! A prayer??  Pretty sure a prayer isn't going to bring my passport and wallet back to me!  How about we just keep looking for wi-fi so we can talk to the US EMBASSY!!"  But, of course, that was all in my head, so we said the most sincere prayer we have probably uttered in our lives up to that point praying that by some miracle things would work out.  (We didn't have the gumption to ask that I'd actually get my purse back.)

We ended the prayer and I felt this incredible sense of relief wash over me.  I'll never forget it.  In such a panic, it was a 180 degree turn around.  We then calmly walked about a block and ran into a cafe with free Wi-Fi with and English speaking, wonderfully generous server who let us stay as long as we needed to figure things out.  I don't know if you can appreciate the miracle of this unless you've been to a foreign country where they really hate Americans, but running into her was a miracle in and of itself.  Not to mention the contact we could make with our instructors over Skype, her getting ahold of the American Embassy and translating with the operators for us, and her giving us contact info in case we needed her help or to come back later to use the internet again.

At this point we had eaten crepes, had water, and spoken to our instructors--we had a plan, and were feeling much better.  The embassy was closed, unfortunately, because apparently we celebrate Bastille Day (what?) even though we're American.  So I couldn't get new documents until 2 days later at the earliest.  So we were going to try to go to the EuroStar station to try to see if they'd let me back to London without my passport by any chance because I was with my study group (kind of).  We went, and it was no go.  They told me to change my ticket for 3 days later so as I went to do so, the lady opened up my ticket and said "Wait, there's a note on here.  Someone found your purse and it's at a police station..."  My jaw dropped about 3 feet and I said, "Shut Up."  She was affronted.  Woops.  She then proceeded to explain how to get to the police station while I wiped my eyes and silently prayed a million thank you prayers in my head.

We headed to the police station in the scariest part of Paris and when we got there we realized we were in seriously dangerous territory.  Homeless people were all over the streets, they followed us three well-dressed white girls like hawks as we walked very purposefully towards a the police station (in reality, we had no idea which way to go...no one spoke English!).  By some miracle we found the station and as soon as we opened the door they held up my purse and said "Eeeyyy!  We have your purse!"  I was so relieved I started sobbing again.  I just had to sit down I was so light-headed so Suzette took it from there.  She asked them how my purse had ended up there, and they said a nice couple on the metro had seen us get off that morning so they grabbed my purse and turned it in on their stop.  It was unbelievable.  In such a dangerous, dark, scary city, the honesty and good will of this kind couple will never be forgotten.  I couldn't believe it.  It was a miracle like I've never experienced.  I was so grateful for these people's honesty.  Everything was in my purse when I opened it.  Cash, credit cards, license, passport.  Everything.  In Paris.  On Bastille Day.  I have no doubt Heavenly Father had sent these people to be my angels that day.

We still had time to make it to Notre Dame, Saint Chapelle, The Louvre, and the Eiffel Tower one last time before we had to head home and it was the first day of sun in Paris.  Such an incredible ending to what could have been the worst day of my life.  I was so grateful to my loving Heavenly Father for watching over us that day.  And for forgiving my stupidity ;)

P.S.  I didn't tell Dave about this until I was safe in London and I told just about this exact rendition.  He was pale as a ghost when I finished and couldn't breathe properly for about 5 minutes after.  Luckily, he was able to overlook this crazy error on my part and still marry me :)

Once Upon a Time...

No I am not going to tell a sappy romantic love story...sorry Dave...but you know that's just not "us" right?  I was actually going to say that once upon a time I went to London!!  I studied abroad this past summer with BYU in London.  It was amazing.  Let me clarify...I am not one of those girls who is obsessed with London just because I go to BYU and I'm about 20.  I wanted to go  because I was excited about the Literature class we'd be taking while there.  I didn't go expecting my life to change, and I didn't go because I felt like my life wouldn't be complete without the experience.  Regardless of my not-so-passionate beginnings in London, it actually did end up being life-changing, but not in the way I expected at all.

I have never fully experienced the feeling that the Lord is literally providing for you in EVERYTHING in your life.  While I was in London, Paris, Wales, and Scotland, however, I couldn't go an hour or two without feeling the Lord's hand in my life undeniably.  I had some of the most spiritual experiences while pleading with the Lord for health, safety, comfort, energy, help in finding my phone the numerous times I lost it, honesty of people around me, and excitement for learning while I was abroad.  I don't know if the Lord was trying to assure me that I was in the right place doing the right things or what, but the consequences of his continual intervention in my life was just such an increased measure of trust, faith, and hope that the Lord will provide if we ask in faith.

There are so many stories--Too many for one post--so I will take my time I think over the next bit posting them.  (They're too good not to share)  I hope you can enjoy reading them at least a fraction of how much I enjoyed living them!

Consider the lilies...

Consider the lilies of the field--how they grow, how they grow. Consider the birds of the sky--how they fly, how they fly.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky and He will feed those who trust Him and Guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of his fold--how they follow where he leads. Thou the path may wind across the mountains, He knows the meadows where they feed.

Consider the sweet tender children who must suffer on this earth... The pains of all of them he carried from the day of his birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the lambs of his fold and He will heal those who trust Him and make their hearts as gold. He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the lambs of his fold and He will heal those who trust Him and make their hearts as gold.

Beautiful Song...

It's not really that this song means anything specifically right now to me, but I just really love it a lot, and I'm bored in class right now...Enjoy!

See the pyramids around the Nile.

Watch the sun rise

From the tropic isle.

Just remember darling

All the while,

You belong to me.

See the market place

In old Algiers.

Send me photographs and souvenirs.

Just remember

When a dream appears,

You belong to me.

And I'll be so alone without you.

Maybe you'll be lonesome too.

Fly the ocean

In a silver plane.

See the jungle

When it's wet with rain.

Just remember till

You're home again

You belong to me,

Oh I'll be so alone without you.

Maybe you'll be lonesome too.

Just remember till

You're home again

You belong to me,

P.S. Jason Wade's cover of this is the most beautiful :)