Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Sometimes I Feel Bad...
Sometimes, I'm too rash. My family has come to expect only extreme reactions from me in ordinary circumstances. For example; if it's too cold in the car, I frantically twist the air control to all the way hot, full blast. Then, when I inevitably get too hot, I frantically twist it back to all the way cold and full blast, or turn the air off completely. While I recognize that there's a better way, I can't help it! My body only knows how to tell me things in extreme ways. I personally think the problem is that what others feel as simply "a bit chilly" I feel as "I'M GOING TO LOSE MY TOES IF WE DON'T TURN ON SOME HEAT RIGHT NOW!!!!!" It's weird, and I know it. Sometimes, things are just black and white to me and I completely miss the gray.
I think the first time Dave ever saw an extreme situation with me was when I was furious with my landlord over her incompetency. I believe he sat in the car and listened to me rant and rave for 30 minutes straight. He'd never seen my face so red and my body so riled up. I was ready to run miles and miles or smash things (and if you know me, you know running is a completely drastic response). Anyway, the point is, the first time this happened, it scared him. He was literally in shock I think. I wasn't the girl he thought I was--I was irrational!
I used to pride myself on my extreme emotions and ability to get so passionate about something I lost all inhibition. Since meeting Dave, a calming influence in my life, though, I've tried to change that. I think I've succeeded mostly (the car temperature still gets me, I have to admit), but last night, when I was casually checking on my grades for one of my classes I noticed that I had close to failed an assignment. I was livid. It's a class I don't put much time into because I feel like it's not that difficult. Most of the students in the class are young English Majors or non-English Majors, so I feel pretty confident in how my writing should compare. Anyway, I pretty much failed this assignment and I was so so upset. I tried to go back to sleep, but I just was so furious. I couldn't stay calm lying there as the rage was coursing through my veins. How could this professor tell me, as I'm getting A's in most of my other classes right now, that my writing is worthy of a D?? And this is the second assignment I've done terrible on! What the heck!? Does he hate me?! Is he just out to get me?!?!
I couldn't sleep until I had sent him an e-mail, so after writing and deleting one that wasn't appropriate, I wrote a very calm e-mail asking him to meet with me today about my grade in the class. He responded this morning (and by this time, I had calmed down significantly and, to be honest, was over the entire situation) and I went in to talk to him.
It turns out that for the first paper I hadn't done well on, we reread it together and he decided he would change the grade because he must have been in a very bad mood while reading it through the first time. We then read the second paper I wrote together and he absolutely loved it and told me to expand it into my final paper. As for the grade that started all of this, it turns out it was a misunderstanding and all I need to do is submit a different thesis and I'll have full credit on the assignment.
Of course, I feel foolish for reacting so harshly last night and spending the majority of this morning wishing ill-will on my professor because he was actually incredibly nice and helpful when he met with me. Not to mention, he spent about an hour with me working on my writing, which I always appreciate. I just wonder what it is about my genes that makes me so prone to overreacting. I blame it on my genes, even though I'm the only one in my family who reacts so strongly. Will I ever be able to stop the intense knee-jerk emotions that drive all of this? Or is this just one of those things that'll be a life-long challenge?
All I know is, I better figure it out soon, because I definitely can't teach others how to control their emotions and problem-solve in healthy ways if I myself let my emotions rule my life, right?