3/20/16: And I Thought I Loved You Then...

"They...They wh--*sob* wh-what...? No...no...oh...no..." These were the words that escaped Dave's lips two Sunday mornings ago almost involuntarily in between sobs as he collapsed onto the side of our bed--his face wet with immediate tears and contorted in agony and grief. His Dad had just called to give him the news that his 27-year-old brother, Bryan, had been found by his faithful home teacher and bishop dead in his apartment that morning and that was all we knew. I was in the middle of waking Remus up for the morning at the time and mentally running through my 3^rd hour combined lesson for the day on marriage and pornography for the ward. In a matter of seconds, nothing else existed for me but my husband’s tortured face and his heaving sobs. As soon as I ran to physically support him, he relayed his dad’s message to me and my heart stopped for a few terrifying seconds. I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t know what to do, but I felt my hands instinctively reach for Dave’s and pull him into the strongest embrace I could muster. When the smothering was too much (after just 30 seconds or so), Dave began to pace—fervently. He walked back and forth from the tissue box on my nightstand to Remus, to his phone, looking expectantly at it as if if he looked hard enough, his dad would call back to tell us this was all a horrible mistake and his brother was actually alive and well and we could go back to our happy Sunday without a second thought about our mortality. 

But the call never came. I propped myself up against the wall of our bedroom, shaking slightly, aware of silent tears streaming down my cheeks, mindlessly petting Remus, to keep him occupied long enough so he wouldn’t have an accident, as Dave kept pacing the room. Painful thought after painful thought kept intruding and we both spoke them aloud as they came, to no one in particular. “Oh Lysa...She’s alone in Italy, this is going to destroy her.” “That poor home teacher and Bishop…I can’t even imagine.” “Your poor parents…they’ll have to call everyone one by one and relive this conversation so many times today…” “Stasi…Oh Stasi…I don’t even want to think about how she’s feeling.” “Chris is alone in Jersey right now. He doesn’t have anyone to process this with.” And on and on, until we realized it was 8:55 and we needed to decide if we were going to church or not. We decided it wasn’t a good idea to try to handle sunbeams and a lesson about emotional regulation while experiencing major shock and grief with no time to process anything, so while Dave began working on a way to get in touch with Lysa’s mission president for his parents, I began making the calls to let the bishopric and primary presidency know what was happening and we spent the rest of the Sunday just holding each other, crying, and letting ourselves do whatever we needed to do to get through this at home.

* * * * * *

Two weeks later we’ve had time to begin to process and grieve and we feel more stable about the situation, but it wouldn’t be honest to say we’re not still in shock and disbelief. We held the memorial services this weekend in Rigby, Idaho and we were surrounded by family and friends who loved Bryan and love the Rackhams. I sang a song titled “My Little Child”, which was essentially the soundtrack to Merrilie and David’s journey to adopting Stasi and Bryan from Russia so many years ago. It was one of the most difficult performances I’ve ever given, because looking over to find Dave’s father trying with all his might to hold back sobs almost broke my heart right then and there, but with the help of the Spirit, and by some miracle, I actually got all the words out without tears and almost did the song justice for Merrilie. Dave spoke not too long after I sang and he was the picture of emotional vulnerability as he taught about Christ’s beautiful example of mourning with those that mourn how they need to be mourned with through the story of his teaching Martha, and weeping with Mary when their brother Lazarus had passed. It was a beautiful and inspired talk that brought peace (and tears) to us all, I think. I was so proud of him as I watched him proclaim his love for the Savior and his faith in the Savior’s love for Bryan and each of us while standing next to his brother’s earthly remains. What strength and courage.

No father or mother should ever have to bury their son. No brother or sister should ever have to bury their brother at such a young age. But bury him we did yesterday, and I couldn’t help but reflect on how this all has affected me as an in-law of a few years to the family. I was lucky in that my relationship with Bryan was uncomplicated, sweet, and simple. My experiences with him have always been pleasant and he has always been very complimentary and kind to me ever since I joined the family. He struggled with addictions of many kinds, mental health issues, and past traumas from his childhood in Russia that would affect even the healthiest of individuals. I never knew him pre-drugs and alcohol, but what I knew of Bryan was endearing, inspiring, and joyful. The rest of the family was not so lucky. They were with Bryan through the good, the bad, and the ugly of his integration into the family at age 12. There was trauma that Bryan inevitably brought into the family because how could he not? As such, their relationships are a blend of incredibly joyful memories and horribly painful ones, and this makes the grieving process infinitely more difficult, I’m sure.

Yesterday, I missed Bryan, and I was grieving that he was no longer with us, but even more difficult for me was watching my husband shovel a scoop of dirt gently into his brother’s grave as his shoulders heaved with sobs and he looked up to the sky with a face that seemed to plead, “Why?”. More difficult than realizing that I would never see Bryan again was hearing his brothers speculate about what more they could have done and wonder if they had put more effort into the relationship how things would have been different. Watching Dave’s parents wrestle between the pain of losing their son and the relief that his physical suffering had come to an end here on this earth was equal parts heart-breaking and tender.

I titled this post, “And I Thought I Loved You Then…” because I thought I knew what loving Dave was after almost 4 years of marriage, but these last two weeks have taught me that I have more capacity to shoulder my husband’s pain than I ever thought was possible. His contorted face from that first phone call has haunted me every day for two weeks now and it visited us in person again yesterday at the burial, and I couldn’t help but want to run to him and completely take this burden from him. Of course, I could only hold him while we cried together, but there was something comforting in just that small gesture for both of us, even if it didn’t relieve the pain completely. I imagine this is how the Savior feels towards me when I’m struggling to find peace, too—he would rush to me and take the pain away if it would help, but we know that part of this life is to “learn, grow, and come to be”, as my song yesterday said. So as painful as the last few weeks have been for us, I’m grateful I’ve had the opportunity to love Dave as I’ve never loved before, and to feel his (and his family’s) pain more intimately than I thought was possible, because it has reassured me that I love this man I call my husband more than anyone in the world, and reminded me that I will do anything I can to ease his pain. And in knowing how I felt towards him this weekend, I got a brief glimpse of what he feels for me when I’m in pain (physical or emotional), and I think I got a sliver of the Savior’s unconditional love for me and his perfect empathy for my pain and these are all wonderful things to be feeling as life moves forward.

Rest in peace, Bryan Sergei Rackham, you were so loved and will be sorely missed. <3

To Dave...

Well, I've been pretty MIA on the blog lately because of a few reasons; 1) We've been in and out of family vacations all over the country, 2) I've been busy trying to finish this huge paper before Fall semester starts so every time I start to write a blog I'm wracked with guilt, 3) I usually feel like writing, and then when I sit down to do it, I'm over it, and 4) There just hasn't been that much to write about.  But today is Dave and my's 2 year anniversary.  It seems like such a tiny little number when I write it down after seeing so many couples who are decades into their marriages in the clinic, but still, these 2 years have been packed with more joy, pain, growth, learning, and love than any other 2 years in my life so far, so I think they're worth celebrating.  Of course, our relationship wouldn't have been possible without my incredibly loving and supportive husband, Dave, so this post today is a letter to him.  (I figured I'd get his anniversary card and my way overdue blog post done in one go--two birds?)

Dear Dave,

       Happy anniversary!  2 years, can you believe it?  Sometimes it feels like it's been lifetimes, and other times it feels like we were just living in Condo Row watching White Collar together, doesn't it?  I never used to believe it when people said, "I'm more in love with my husband every day..." or "We're so much more in love today than when we said 'I do'".  I thought these were just sappy romantic phrases they used to convince themselves that they were happy with their lives.  But I get it now.  I mean, I really get it.
      Getting engaged to and marrying you two years ago made so much sense when I made those choices.  Everything was so easy with you and I just felt like with you by my side I could do anything in the world.  But I didn't realize yet what that meant for the rest of my life.  I think that Heavenly Father knew how lucky I was to be married to you and he's now requiring more of me than he's ever required before because he knows that with you, I can handle more than I was ever capable of before.  (What a compliment to you from Him!)  Sometimes as a couple we hate this, of course, because it means a lot of outside stress on our relationship that we could obviously do without, but I think we're both growing together as people who are going to become better able to be the hands of God and serve his children than we ever thought we would.
      I'm forever grateful for your incredible (sometimes unbelievable) work ethic.  I don't get how you can work a full day at the MTC, come home and grab a quick bite, then work at least another half day well into the night on school or your start-up projects.  However you do it, it's allowed me to feel stable and secure in our finances and our future.  I never worry that you'll be able to provide for us and a future family, which is pretty amazing, because I worry about everything, haha.  Having the financial security we have right now and you being able to keep moving up at the MTC has also been a lifesaver with all the medical expenses that are just through the roof right now, and I love you for never making me feel bad about incurring them.
     Sometimes I think about the way we function and I'm just baffled by how strong you are.  Literally.  I don't understand it.  On days when I'm too beaten down to get out of bed, or I'm hopeless about the pain ever going away, or the program has just become too much for me to handle, you're able to keep your spirits high and lift me up as well.  Again, I don't get how you do it, but I don't know what I'd do without it.  You have a gift for helping me see the good things about life and pushing me to keep going with hope for the future.  I can't wait to see that gift put to use with our kids.  I'm so glad they'll have a rock of positive support and love to come to when they're feeling down.
     I love that you love to teach.  Whether it's teaching your siblings to fly-fish, teaching me how to do things on my computer, teaching lessons, or wherever you use that talent, I love it!  You're so generous with wanting others to succeed and you're so patient with people when they don't quite get it.  You have a gift for making learning interesting and fun, and it's so obvious to me why you want to go into that for your career.  It's fun to watch you be so passionate about how others learn and how you can make it the best for them.
     Of course there are other things I love about you, but these are the few that have been rolling around my head for the past little while.  The biggest one, as always, is your commitment.  There have been a lot of reasons and excuses for you to walk away from this relationship the past two years--whether emotionally or physically--and you never have.  You've stayed on days when I've done nothing but sleep because I'm in pain, you've stayed on days when I didn't have the emotional or mental capacity to listen to you at the end of my day, you've stayed on days when I wanted to give up, you've stayed on days when this chronic pain seemed to be ruining our lives, and you've stayed on days when I thought I was completely unlovable and someone would have to be crazy to stay with me.  Your sweetness and tenderness with me during my hardest times have helped me truly believe that I'm worth loving and that life can be a beautiful thing, regardless of whatever trial we have at the current moment, especially when we lean on each other.
     I don't think I believed people before when they talked about falling more in love with their spouse everyday, because I didn't understand that to weather life's storms and come out happy, you have to lean on your spouse and let them into the most vulnerable parts of your soul so they can help you heal them.  And after having such an intimate experience with each other, how could you not be more in love in the end?  So I can honestly say to you today, "I fall more and more in love with you every day since we got married.  I never could have imagined the kind of love I've experienced with you, but it's so much more than my imagination was capable of!"

I love you, sweetheart.  Thank you for always standing by me and loving me more than I ever could have believed.  Happy Anniversary!!

Love,
Erin :)

2/9/14: Special Guest Post by David...

Recently someone asked me, "What is it like being married to a marriage and family therapist student?” 

Tonight on a flight to Seattle when I saw Mt. Rainier gracefully emerge through the clouds I finally found my answer. I hate it. H.A.T.E. And by hate, I might mean love.

A few years ago I climbed Mt. Rainer via a technical route that includes a few hundred feet of ice climbing. Because of the many dangerous crevasses I was in a rope team with three other people. Unfortunately, two of the three people on my rope team decided to be tourists and take pictures every few minutes. Every time they stopped, the rope connecting us would go taut and I'd come to an abrupt halt. This constant, violent jerking strained my body more than I was prepared for. 

At about 5:00 a.m. at 13,000 feet above sea level, I was succumbing to altitude sickness.

In that moment I hated everything I was doing. It didn't matter that the sun was just starting to rise and the entire mountain reflected a transcendent palette of pinks and purples. It didn't matter that I was just 1,000 feet below the summit of one of the most technical routes on Mt. Rainer--the largest mountain in the continental US. 

I hated all of it.

When we reached the summit everyone else was shedding jackets and celebrating. Instead, I pulled my big red down jacket from my pack, threw it on, and shivered violently--not even able to stand. 

About 11:00 a.m. we were finally back to base camp, more than 12 hours after we'd left. We packed our tents up and started the slog back to the ranger station about 6,000 vertical feet below us. By 6:30 p.m. I was stuffing my face with the best tasting pizza I had ever had. 

But at this point the two tourists and I had a decision to make. Did we start the 14 hour drive back to Provo, or find a hotel somewhere? I was beyond broke and had a flight to catch in less than 48 hours. So, motivated by destitution, and fueled by more Mountain Dew than I will ever admit, I drove the three of us 14 hours back to Provo, through the middle of the night, after climbing for 20 straight hours, while the two tourists snored soundly. 

34 nearly sleepless hours later I was back in Provo HATING everything I had just done. 

Strangely, the next day as I was on a plane headed to the east coast I was already dreaming of climbing Rainier again. I'd seemingly forgotten how much, in the moment, I hated everything about the experience. Suddenly it was one of the most incredible moments of my life!

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Being married to a MFT student is something similar. On days where she had a good session, Erin's excitement is uncontainable! After a day filled with sessions that 'didn't go that well' she gets down on herself. While I try to be supportive, I'm learning I'm not that great with the whole 'emotion' thing. Fortunately Erin's life is consumed with helping people feel; connecting with their emotions. Being married to her means I don't get to just be "mad." I have to be one of the what she calls primary emotions--"disappointed", "sad", "scared", or "hurt." At first it all felt very artificial, but now I realize how emotionally bereft I can sometimes be.

A huge focus for Erin's program is "self of the therapist." For her, that means being acutely aware of her own issues and weaknesses so that she can learn to not let them interfere with her therapy. For me, it means that at least weekly she comes home with probing questions about herself, me, and our relationship.

I knew when she was accepted into BYU's program that in a way I was getting accepted too. As part of Erin's program she started going to individual therapy. Soon after, WE started seeing a therapist. Being honest, I hate it. But I hate it in the same way that I hated my experience on Mt. Rainier. In the moment you can't picture anything more repulsive, painful, demanding, or discouraging. And then you realize that you just paid a lot of money for that "privilege"! 

But somehow when it's all over you realize just how transcendent and elevating the experience was.

I have a profound respect and admiration for everything that Erin is doing. Every day she is pushing herself to overcome weaknesses and better connect with her emotions so she can help others do the same. Frequently she feels like she hasn't made any progress. The truth? Being married to her I can hardly believe the amount of change I've witnessed in the last few months. It's a big part of why I hate being married to an MFT student. Watching her work so hard pushes me to work on my own issues. I can't just "coast" for a bit, and I hate it.

Sitting in the Seattle airport, all I can do is dream about climbing Mt Rainier again. I think I might actually love being married to a MFT student,  I wouldn't trade it for anything. I look forward to the coming months while Erin is in school because we're closer than we have ever been. My love for her is deeper and my respect and admiration grows daily. 

So I guess when people ask me what it's like being married to a MFT student I should just give them the short version and say, "It's awesome."

11/15/13: Menopause isn't all it's cracked up to be...

I don't know what to write about today.  It's been a boring week because I haven't been feeling great, but I'm bored in class, so I'm trying to come up with something to say.  What I really want to do is just advertise the show Chuck because it is so good.  Dave and I have spent wayy too much time staying up  too late watching too many episodes because we can't get enough.  It's a show that I don't hesitate to recommend (which is rare) because it's clean, clever, has action, romance, mystery, and some talented actors!  But even though I'm loving Chuck so much, I feel like my life probably shouldn't revolve around a TV show so I'm going to write about something else.

I got my Lupron shot last Friday after I blogged and it wasn't bad.  I actually didn't even feel the shot at all because the needle was so tiny.  And I got to babysit my nieces later that night so I didn't really have time for self-pity, which was great!  I didn't feel the effects until just a couple of days ago when I started to notice my body's temperature regulation being all wonky.  (Wonky?  Who uses that word?)  I haven't been sleeping too well because I wake up completely drenched in sweat and completely sweltering when it's only like 60 degrees.  It's ridiculous.  I don't understand why more women don't complain about hot flashes!  Every time I get one it feels like my body's punishing me...I've also been slightly irritable (understatement) since the medicine started to kick in.

Fun Example:

The other night I came out to the kitchen looking for my glass of water and I couldn't find it on the counter and I completely freaked.  I started accusing Dave, "Where's my glass?  I know you put it in the dishwasher!  You always put it away before I'm done!  I'm so tired of you cleaning up for me!"  He was so taken aback he just stammered a "I...I don't remember putting it away babe.  I'm sorry if I did, but I don't think I did..."  To which I replied "Well, who else did it Dave?!  No one else is in this house!!!!"

I then took one step to the left and spotted said glass half full of water on the table hiding behind one of the chairs...woops.  I shamefacedly apologized, "I'm sorry I freaked out.  I don't know what's wrong, that just made me so so so mad."  That was when I realized the medicine had kicked in.  I was totally crazy!  Poor Dave.  But at least we're aware of it now, so I'm pretty good at checking what I'm thinking before I let the word vomit fall out, haha.  

Aside:  My professor just said, "Holy Samolies!"  Um...what?

No pain relief so far from the medicine, but I see my first client today and another one on Monday so I'm kind of distracted!  I'm so excited and anxious!  I'll let you know how it goes, maybe.  We'll see :)

Also, you all should come to my UVMCO concert on Tuesday, December 3rd at 7:00 I think.  It's going to be phenomenal.  It's sounding so great!!  I feel so lucky to be a part of this choir because I've learned so much, and it's been amazing to be part of such a high quality choir.  The Christmas music is absolutely beautiful and inspiring.  It's a little pricey, but worth every penny!  Link to tickets here :)

Also, our choir performed this past Sunday and it was so gorgeous!  We had Maddy play the harp and Emma play the viola for us to "My Shepherd Will Supply My Need".  The spirit was so strong and I was so impressed with how musical the choir sounded and how well we did with all the different parts.  The choir is starting to come together and blend well and come into their own new sound.  I'm totally loving it.  Choir has been such a blessing for me this semester.  I look forward to it every week and I love conducting such a fun, hard-working group :)  Hopefully we can keep it up for Thanksgiving and Christmas!

Class is over, the end!

Dave's Birthday Again...

I think from the time we were born, Grandma Barfuss (my Mom's Mom) has always made it a point to make us fantastic, ornate birthday cakes for our birthdays.  She'll do one party every few months and then do multiple birthdays at the same time.  This time it was for Russ and Dave!  I wonder if she's ever gonna call it quits when the family gets too big...

Anyway, it was a delicious birthday with steak and chicken kabobs, fruit salad, a squash vegetable mix, and lemon and raspberry cakes to top it all off!  I'm just gonna photo-dump because everything was so delicious and beautiful.  Also, everyone was able to make it which was awesome!  Just missing the California family :/.  Also, I don't know what happened, but we're missing a pic of Annie and Russ.  They were there though!

Don't you love the watermelon napkins??

I took this at the very end, so it's all gone, but the lime-ade was great!

Kabobs, Vegetables, and Fruit Salad.

Sierra and Jeremy

Us!

Christi and Jim

Grandma and her sister, Nita

Adorable Riley "cheese"ing in the wrong direction.

Lemon cake for Russ

Raspberry Cake for Dave.

It was divine!

"What?  Why can't I finish 3 other people's
cakes after eating my own?"

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***I know I post about these girls so often it seems like they're my own daughters, but they're not.  They're my nieces.  Just FYI :)  They're Christi and Jim's adorable daughters.***

And sorry the format is so weird.  I'm way too lazy to figure out how to fix it right now.  

Dave's 26th...

May 31st is Dave's Birthday, but we were going camping Friday night, so we just did presents at home right before we left for the canyon.  I was shocked to realize that we actually had two different kinds of wrapping paper in our house and some ribbons to make them look pretty.  Happy day :)

I'm sorry, I just can't seem to figure out my camera yet.  They're all just a little blurry.  Working on it.

Meat thermometer for the grill!

I thought the tulle ribbon was very apropos for the gift inside.
(sarcasm)

New grill plates!  Thanks Mom and Dad Penrod!

I just love this wrapping paper :)

He was not surprised at all...totally guessed these
shoes he's been wanting forever.

Isn't it beautiful?

I think so!

I have a husband...surprise!

What's gotten into me?  I want to write something?  I can't tell you how long it's been since I've actually wanted to write something.  I better take advantage of it while it's happening and keep it short and simple.

My husband the other day casually said, "Hey, have I ever made it into your blog officially?"  I pretended like it was no big deal and just brushed it off with a bit of eyelash fluttering and apologies and went on my merry way.  But you know what?  It IS sad that I haven't blogged about Dave.

I know myself and I know that if I get too ambitious with this blog, I'll never finish it, so I'll just start with a paragraph:

On August 17, 2012, in the Newport Beach, CA, LDS Temple, I was sealed for eternity to the best man I've ever known, Dave Rackham.  Hence, I took on the new name, Erin Lee Rackham :)  That only took about 2 months to get used to, don't worry...haha.  But after having over 2 months to adjust I have been left with some reflection on how lucky I am to have married such an intelligent, sensitive, loving, selfless, genuine, charitable, funny, hard-working man.  Life just feels so right.  Even with the move to the part of Provo where everyone around us has 2-8 kids, even with Dave working full-time on top of his PhD program, even with the lack of a bed for the first 2 weeks, even with me taking 18 credits and applying to BYU's Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, even with Dave having surgery last weekend, even with my 2 bouts of the flu in 1 month (how does that even happen??), even with all the struggles and adjustments this semester, I have never felt so blessed, happy, and peaceful than I have since we've gotten married.

I am so grateful to Heavenly Father for guiding Dave and I together and allowing life to just fall into place this past year.  We both feel so lucky and can't wait for the lifetime of moments to come!