Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Apathy: lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.

I feel like for the past week or so I have been in a state of apathy. I wish I knew what exactly it was that has put me in this state of non-emotion. It's strange because all of a sudden I have gotten really passionate about the book I am reading in my writing class. It's the novel East of Eden, written by John Steinbeck and it's a retelling of the fall of Adam and Eve in modern day California. It is so great and very insightful! I am loving it so much and it's reassuring me that English is the right major for me. So while I have been reading reading reading and been so excited thinking and talking about the novel, it's like the emotion I use for every other part of my life has been sucked out of me.

Maybe I'm burnt out after having an incredibly crazy week of midterms and essays a few weeks ago. Maybe I'm worried about my sister and her surgery and my nieces. Maybe I'm exhausted from work. Maybe I am just in a funk and I'll be out of it before I know it. Maybe I need a change of scenery to meet new people and go out of my comfort zone a little more than I'm doing right now.

I don't know what it is.

All I know is that today:

-I stood up after eating at the Cougareat and buttoned my entire coat only to realize that I had buttoned it wrong. There was an awkward bump in the coat from the missing button at the top and it was all crooked. However, I didn't even think twice about it! No feelings of embarrassment. No looking around awkwardly noticing that the guys at the table next to me were snickering at my expense. (I realized later that this must have been why they were giving me weird, semi-flirty looks and giggling like girls...) But there was no emotion. None. I simply unbuttoned all 6 buttons and slowly rebuttoned them all before turning to head on my way to class. It took me like 5 minutes of thinking about nothing while walking to class to realize that normally I would have been rather ashamed to have done something like that in public and I might have even blushed. In this state of apathy, however, these small embarrassments turn into nothing. It's not that I all of a sudden have the self-confidence to not care what anyone thinks. It's more like I just don't want to spend the energy thinking about what other people are thinking.


-I walked around campus for 2 hours today before noticing that about every fifth person I saw had a bright blue balloon tied to their wrist. Where I would typically stop someone and just ask them what was with all the balloons, I hardly noticed them and I still feel no curiosity as to why our campus was randomly infested with balloons today...

I don't think I like this apathetic mood I am in. It's atypical for me. I very much enjoy being passionate about things and getting excited about life. Does anyone have any ideas to help get me back into the emotional swing of the super-exciting life of a BYU college student? Please?

...at least I'm not apathetic about being in a state of apathy right? I cared enough to blog about it :)

1 comment:

  1. Erin, I saw this on Facebook so I decided to read. Best decision I've made all day. For what it's worth I've been feeling much of the same way lately. I even have a plethora of positive things going on in life and yet I find myself indifferent. Maybe it's the weather? If I come up with a solution I'll let you know.