apathetic.

Apathy: lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.

I feel like for the past week or so I have been in a state of apathy. I wish I knew what exactly it was that has put me in this state of non-emotion. It's strange because all of a sudden I have gotten really passionate about the book I am reading in my writing class. It's the novel East of Eden, written by John Steinbeck and it's a retelling of the fall of Adam and Eve in modern day California. It is so great and very insightful! I am loving it so much and it's reassuring me that English is the right major for me. So while I have been reading reading reading and been so excited thinking and talking about the novel, it's like the emotion I use for every other part of my life has been sucked out of me.

Maybe I'm burnt out after having an incredibly crazy week of midterms and essays a few weeks ago. Maybe I'm worried about my sister and her surgery and my nieces. Maybe I'm exhausted from work. Maybe I am just in a funk and I'll be out of it before I know it. Maybe I need a change of scenery to meet new people and go out of my comfort zone a little more than I'm doing right now.

I don't know what it is.

All I know is that today:

-I stood up after eating at the Cougareat and buttoned my entire coat only to realize that I had buttoned it wrong. There was an awkward bump in the coat from the missing button at the top and it was all crooked. However, I didn't even think twice about it! No feelings of embarrassment. No looking around awkwardly noticing that the guys at the table next to me were snickering at my expense. (I realized later that this must have been why they were giving me weird, semi-flirty looks and giggling like girls...) But there was no emotion. None. I simply unbuttoned all 6 buttons and slowly rebuttoned them all before turning to head on my way to class. It took me like 5 minutes of thinking about nothing while walking to class to realize that normally I would have been rather ashamed to have done something like that in public and I might have even blushed. In this state of apathy, however, these small embarrassments turn into nothing. It's not that I all of a sudden have the self-confidence to not care what anyone thinks. It's more like I just don't want to spend the energy thinking about what other people are thinking.

...and...

-I walked around campus for 2 hours today before noticing that about every fifth person I saw had a bright blue balloon tied to their wrist. Where I would typically stop someone and just ask them what was with all the balloons, I hardly noticed them and I still feel no curiosity as to why our campus was randomly infested with balloons today...

I don't think I like this apathetic mood I am in. It's atypical for me. I very much enjoy being passionate about things and getting excited about life. Does anyone have any ideas to help get me back into the emotional swing of the super-exciting life of a BYU college student? Please?

...at least I'm not apathetic about being in a state of apathy right? I cared enough to blog about it :)

Missions...

We have a love hate relationship.

Don't get me wrong. I believe in following the prophet and all that jazz...haha I'm just kidding, that sounds sacrilegious . I do fully believe in listening to and acting on the counsel of the prophet because I have faith that it comes straight from the Lord. It's just that I feel like I have no problem theoretically supporting something, and then I am shocked to find out how difficult, but rewarding something is when it's actually put into practice. Missions have been on my mind a lot lately for some reason...who am I kidding? It's not a random thing...it's been on my mind for over half a year now.

It's just strange because I had no problem being happy for and supporting my older brother when he left for the Philippines for 2 years. Sure, I had my times when I missed him, but it was a quick fix to think "He's doing what the Lord wants him to do, and he's helping the Filipinos come to Christ." There was almost a sense of pride and happiness when I would tell my friends in high school about my brother who was serving for two years in a foreign country to share the gospel.

I feel like missions are just like any other commandment or calling in the church. You never really understand how difficult it can be until you are personally affected by it. I understand that missions are the most difficult and rewarding experience for the boys who are actually out in the field. But I think the friends and family left at home sometimes have as difficult a time of it as they do.

Having some of my best friends leave last year to go serve for two years was and still is one of the hardest experiences I've ever had. Sure, it goes up and down. Some days it's like they aren't even gone, but other days it feels like the only thing I want to do is study all day in the library with them and then go eat dinner together and hang out for the rest of the night like we used to.

I don't know why it's been so tough. It's not like I haven't experienced separation from my best friends before (i.e. Freshman year of college) but I think the fact that our only communication is in the form of written letters has something to do with it. I guess it makes sense why the church mandates that stipulation, but still...it's a challenge for the people left at home worrying and missing their missionaries.

On the other hand, I feel like I have grown so much as a person these last 7 months without my best friends here to be with me every step of the way. I have had extra time to discover new talents and interests that I have. For example, I never knew I liked to bake, but I guess I do! Having people who are dedicating their entire lives to the Lord right now is also a very inspiring experience. I feel like I want to be the best person I can possibly be so I can tell them about what I learn about the gospel and how I am growing to be better everyday. Not only do I work harder because I know that they are working super hard out there, but I think about how excited I am to show them my life here I've made for myself in Provo while they've been away.

So see? It's a love hate relationship. I really hate that my best friends are ridiculously far away from me and practically in communicado, but I love that their examples inspire me to be better every day! It's so confusing...but day by day, I am coming to terms with the fact that I don't think I'll ever really get to a point where I am completely okay with them being gone, and that's okay. I just need to live my life as best I can and look forward to when they'll be back with me again :)

Poor Guy...

We've all done it. I won't pretend I'm exempt. Every one of us has experienced the humiliation and the shame that accompanies the intense confusion when one tries to enter the bathroom of the wrong gender. It has been a while, however, since I have witnessed one of these precious moments since most of us here at BYU have particular restrooms we like to use and have gotten used to the location of the doors.

But while I was spacing off procrastinating writing my paper about Herman Melville and his commentary on American Society, my eyes wandered to a secret bathroom on the fourth floor of the library! Now, just as I was contemplating the shock of finding a second bathroom on this lovely floor, a boy walked up, put his hand on the door of the girl's restroom and then quickly jumped back as if burned. He looked around quite confusedly for a moment, and then proceeded to hang his head in shame and enter the boy's door.

...poor guy...

In his defense, the girls' side has 2 doors! Why would anyone do that? It's as though they intended for people to get confused by their poor design. I propose that bathrooms never have two entrances, that is just ridiculously and unnecessarily confusing...come on, people, really? Give us a break...will ya?

Haha, he just walked out of the bathroom texting...trying to play it off totally cool...nice one, guy. I saw it...don't worry :)

Consider the lilies...

Consider the lilies of the field--how they grow, how they grow. Consider the birds of the sky--how they fly, how they fly.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky and He will feed those who trust Him and Guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of his fold--how they follow where he leads. Thou the path may wind across the mountains, He knows the meadows where they feed.

Consider the sweet tender children who must suffer on this earth... The pains of all of them he carried from the day of his birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the lambs of his fold and He will heal those who trust Him and make their hearts as gold. He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the lambs of his fold and He will heal those who trust Him and make their hearts as gold.

I'm obsessed...

So...I kinda can't get enough of my nieces :) I'm so lucky I get to live just 35 minutes away from them so I can visit pretty much anytime I want! My professor cancelled class today so I decided to spend the day in Salt Lake with Christi and the girls. They are just so cute! Tori and I had a fun day playing together, while Riley had her fill of spitting up on me and flashing me huge smiles...It was so much fun...I didn't want to leave!

I know no one cares about pictures of them as much as me (and possibly my immediate family who are deprived right now), but I just needed to post some of the pictures we took today! Enjoy!

This is Riley Shae Higham^^ She's about 6 months now and just starting to babble. She's known for holding her own bottle, but dropping it when she gets too excited about eating, smiling all the time, and drooling like nobody's business.

Also, I love her :)

This is Tori Annette Higham^^ She's about 2 and a half years old. (How are you supposed to write that? 2.5? 2 1/2? two and a half?) Anyway, she discovered that the iPhone has a camera on both sides so she could be taking pictures while she saw herself! I found her having conversations with herself in the camera more than a few times :) We played a game where she tried to copy my faces. I was pretty impressed!

We played at the park!

She let me curl her hair and for the rest of the day she couldn't stop saying, "See my hair? It's curled!". Also, she enjoys walking in big people's shoes for some reason...

These pictures don't do lunch justice. We a blast making faces for about 20 minutes while she ate and we practiced all the sign language words I've been teaching her (mom, dad, chocolate, thank you, candy, you know...the important ones...) and she kept throwing her hands up saying "delicious!" (a recent addition to her vocabulary).

I just love these girls so much and I am so happy whenever I get to spend time with them. I have loved living so close and we're finally to a point where Tori can pronounce "Aunt Erin" (which is a big deal...it's hard to say apparently). I feel blessed to have such beautiful little girls in my life :) And a sister who always lets me come visit whenever I want. It's simply the best!

Give the man a glass of Malk!!

Sometimes I forget I'm a college student.

These are great times. I feel like I'm all grown up and really doing something with my life.

Other times, the harsh reality of my status as student at BYU is thrown back into my face.

Like this week......................

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I've been out of my precious 2% milk for about a a week now and since my roommates are all convinced that skim is the way to go...my fridge has been completely unproductive for me in the milk department. As much as I hoped that by pouring a bowl of dry cereal and opening the fridge three times in a row, milk would magically appear in my time of need...the milk shelf remained barren for me.

So...why does this remind me that I'm a college student, you ask? Well, the lack of milk itself is one thing...that never happens when there's a mom around, but mostly, I think my response to this desperate situation qualifies me as a bona fide college student...

Vending Machines!! Instead of simply driving up the street to the grocery store to buy a new gallon 7 days ago, I have been making daily trips to the vending machines in the basement of the JFSB every day or two after class buying these cute little pints of 2% BYU Creamery milk. I average about 3 bowls of cereal per bottle :) I thought it was a clever solution.

Probably not the most effective use of my money, but it's just so darn convenient to have vending machines that replace my need for a grocery store--how can I not take advantage of that, right??

Beautiful Song...

It's not really that this song means anything specifically right now to me, but I just really love it a lot, and I'm bored in class right now...Enjoy!

See the pyramids around the Nile.

Watch the sun rise

From the tropic isle.

Just remember darling

All the while,

You belong to me.

See the market place

In old Algiers.

Send me photographs and souvenirs.

Just remember

When a dream appears,

You belong to me.

And I'll be so alone without you.

Maybe you'll be lonesome too.

Fly the ocean

In a silver plane.

See the jungle

When it's wet with rain.

Just remember till

You're home again

You belong to me,

Oh I'll be so alone without you.

Maybe you'll be lonesome too.

Just remember till

You're home again

You belong to me,

P.S. Jason Wade's cover of this is the most beautiful :)

Note to Self...

DON'T fall asleep at 7:00 pm unless for some absurd reason you WANT to wake up at 2:00 am more energized than ever before.